A Nice Hard Slap – Screw These Things

People say I complain all the time. Here’s some more!

1. “I Appreciate Ya”.

Been
hearing this more and more. Instead of saying “I appreciate it” in
regards to a service, compliment, or various other interaction they say
“I appreciate ya” or “‘preciate ya”. I guess it’s part of that whole
Southern Charm thing. It sucks. I don’t want unconditional appreciation
but rather earn it per appreciated act. Appreciate the act, not the
man. Unless I have earned untold appreciation. If so, appreciate my ass
with oodles of money and wet hugs.

2. Denim x 3.


I
saw a man at the grocery store wearing a denim jacket, a denim shirt,
and denim jeans. AT ONCE. It’s beyond a Canadian Tuxedo. It’s beyond
Denholm Elliott. It’s beyond Thunderdome. Here’s a rule of thumb:
Unless you’re a cattle worker or a lumberjack, one denim per body.

3. Coffee Lids.


It’s
time for innovation. My car has a special place on the side of the seat
strictly for collecting stains from the spillover brought about by the
asinine coffee lids they make that seemingly are engineered TO SPILL
LITTLE BURSTS OF COFFEE. Even if they added a fold underneath the
drinking slit [HALO NAME] to catch the first volley of heated matter,
it’d ease my pain. As it turns out I get sizzled repeatedly in my day
as I try to negotiate the terrain of the world with these poorly
designed containment devices. I am amazed how horribly designed those
lids are, but I amaze easily.

4. Speed Bumps.


Do
they actually save lives or are they a secret experiment by the folks
at muffler shops the world over? Speed bumps are the worst thing in
town, and the combination of those coffee lids and a speed bump is the
nectar of sadism in my personal automobile. Speed bumps, especially
those obnoxiously high ones where you feel like you’re riding the Great
American Scream Machine on the way down, are useless. Fuck it if every
now and again someone goes too fast in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot and
obliterates a kid. They will be punished for their transgression. Small price to pay for making the already annoying and retarded act of driving with other citizens a little less annoying.

5. Churches Commandeering Traffic.


Every
Sunday there are two major roads near my house that are completely
overrun by massive (seriously, big as a large high school) churches
letting out. The roads are slowed to a halt while policemen turn off
the traffic lights so the church folks can own the roads while us other
folks wait for an eternity. Don’t punish me for being great on Sundays.

6. People Defined By Their Teams.


Where
should one draw the line? How’s about somewhere before the point where
your everyday dress code is built around your team colors, your car is
painted as such, and every day there’s a game you fly banners on every
corner of your ride? That’s a good place to start. Chances are, the
members of your favorite team would rather kick your ass and screw your
spouse than say “thanks for your support”. Act accordingly.


-
Nick Nunziata met the real-life Hazel.


Photo by Catherine Nunziata.