follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. He is Risen.
That the blocky boner of Jesus Christ is the third creepiest thing about this item speaks volumes about how colossally wrong it is. Here’s a list of the eight wrongest things about this item from least wrong to the very most wrong in the history of wrongs at the intersection of Wrong Dr. and Olde Wrong St. in the tiny hamlet of Wrongville at Wrong O’Clock in the morning:
Penis Jesus Light Switch List of Eight Wrongs:
- The little girl is hovering about [scaled to size] five inches higher off the ground than the boy. This could be supernatural, bad artist math, or hidden allegory that will provide the basis for the next Dan Brown novel [I pray].
- The ‘Honor thy Father and Mother’ text is worn down from use. I’m not surprised that the person who would own this light switch would have greasy, clumsy, dirty fingers. I’m just surprised that the children are obviously scrubbed down nightly while the bible quote is treated like Rip Torn at a Playgirl shoot.
- I expect a Lord to have snappier baubles hanging from his neck.
- The little boy is so used to a giant hero dick next to him that he’s able to put his hands in his pants and admire it for what it is. The boy is desensitized to the point of aloofness. This actually should be much higher on the list but I have to admit that his confidence is somewhat inspiring.
- Jesus is looking straight down. Not to the right. Not to the left. Straight down at his gargantuan Lightbringer.
- Jesus’s cock is a blocky maelstrom that is a thick hateness when flaccid and a mushroom cloud of cervix smashing armageddon when hard. Two kids are no match for it. Bigpussy O’Reilly, owner of the world’s loosest pants bag, is no match for it. Jesus is hung all the time.
- When I look at this image in the mirror there’s no Jesus in the picture.
- LOOK AT THE GIRL’S FUCKING FACE!
Thanks to Andrea R. for the photo.
Jesus is fat, huh? I mean, on one hand I want a savior who is substantial. Look at how Buddha’s played the “Lard Ass” angle to great effect. The guy gets comped at Chinese Restaurants the world over, even in China where they’re just called Restaurants.
Jesus wears XXL. I would assume it’s to accommodate his massive heart and undying spirit. Or his brand new Del Taco gut. Either way, nothing is Eternal despite the marketing telling you otherwise. Chances are you can find a nice athletic fit L that’ll fit Everyone’s All-Nazarene.
3. Jack Lemmon Not Included.
I am officially terrified.
Unless my Nigerian friend Tnku Ugod has moved here without sending me a MySpace note [and hey, when are you going to reimburse the $35,000 I sent you to get your lottery winnings out of the warehouse?], I have to assume that the person whose name is on the pink slip of this vehicle is way too fucking happy to be the owner of a Mazda Tribute.
“Thank You God For The Ability To Take My Five Children and Supplies To Go Burn A Mosque.” was too long to fit on the plate.
Thanks to Justin Waddell for the photo.
4. Toby Keith Just Ejaculated a Largemouth Bass.
This is an image from a T-Shirt design. Guess what’s scarier than the Exhibitionist Jesus Switch?
If you were to take John Cougar Mellencamp’s semen [I know, you won’t part with your vial but theoretically], a firmly starched American Flag, a freshly baked apple pie, a chrome belt buckle, a sliver of wood from the hangin’ tree, a Coors Light can, the ashes of a good book, and a 4×4 cube of uncooked ignorance you could puree them at high speed and the results would be able to evolve into someone that would buy and wear this shirt with nary a drop of irony.
If that person is you, please click this link and become a member of a rival site.
5. Spoiler Alert!
I guess I don’t need to read the last Harry Potter book. Well, I haven’t read any of them but now that I know the ending it’s kinda moot isn’t it? God is the Potter? I never understand why people are so afraid that pop culture is going to steer the sheep off the path so hardcore that smear campaigns need to be launched. Who could forget “Jesus is the POG” and “Heaven is your Members Only Jacket”?
In fact, I did some research and found the eight worst Biblical smear campaigns of all time. Let me share them with you:
- Christ: The First Garbage Pail Kid.
- The King of Kings is the King Ralph.
- The Manger was a Cool Ranch too, kind of.
- J.E.S.U.S. is the M.U.S.C.L.E.
- You Can’t Spell Nintendo Power Glove without most of the letters from ‘God’s Love’.
- Jesus Rattles and Hums Too.
- He is the Vision Street Wear.
- God is the Urban Yeti.
By the way:
“On the park bench Father made me salads!”