Next stop, EA. Gonna make a risky prediction here: Battlefield. Madden. I AM THE GREAT PROGNOSTICATOR.
1:00pm–OH GOD I SAT TOO CLOSE I’M BLIND I’M SUING THAT ASS, PETER MOORE.
1:03pm–All next gen titles here today. Lets go.
1:04pm–New title for a beloved franchise.
1:04pm–Plants vs Zombies 2: Garden Warfare. The trailer made me smile.
1:05pm–Mobile first, next gen later.
1:06pm–They’re taking the Modern Warfare parody to its utmost. Im gonna allow it.
1:07pm–It’s full 3D. And looks like MAYHEM.
1:08–Boss wave. Disco Zombies. One is using a disco ball like a mace. EVERYTHING IS MAKING ME SMILE.
1:09–PEGGLE 2 IS GONNA HAPPEN MOTHERFUCKERS.
1:10–More Titanfall. Inside look. It’s a little thing, but the animation when you get in the mechs gives me warm feelings in my heart.
1:14–Talking about the new graphics engines. One for EA Sports, Frostbite 3 for others.
1:15–HOTH. NEW BATTLEFRONT ON FROSTBITE 3 GOD DAMN IT YES
1:16–New Need For Speed. Much as I love Criterion getting to play with giant budgets, dammit, I miss Burnout.
1:18–Gameplay. Decent chase happening. Great weather effects. But now there’s helicopters. That’s kinda insane.
1:19–Aaron Paul is starring in the Need For Speed movie. Yeah bitch.
1:23–New Dragon Age. I’ll be excited by proxy for the rest of you, promise.
1:26–….yeah, I got nothin’.
1:27–Now, there’s a guy doing slam poetry about dribbling. This just took a turn for the awesomely bizarre.
1:29–Wait, they’re still talking about dribbling, and new tech created to make it perfect.
1:30–Can you imagine Nintendo doing this? “Shigeru, why don’t you tell the audience about the perfect jump, and how you got Mario’s suspenders to shift realistically to give him greater height?” “(subtitled) I’m going to go back to my hotel and drink all the Clorox. All of it.”
1:31–NBA Live trailer. The sad irony is, these are the first black people I’ve seen on a screen all day.
1:38–Drake. Introducing FIFA. Im just waiting for the day this all goes meta, and someone introduces a fully motion controlled durable rubber controller you kick on the ground. Outside. With all the multiplayer you want.
1:41–UFC. Buncha dudes I couldn’t pick out of a lineup, but the UFC games are usually pretty damned fun, so I’m at least not threatening to fall asleep.
1:43–Guy talking about fighting being a universal sport. That squishy noise is every female journalist’s eyes rolling in unison.
1:44–So, basically, they’ve introduced an engine that does this?
1:46–More Battlefield. Commander mode is back. Enhanced by its own app.
1:48–Jesus Christ, they’ve got 64 players ON STAGE RIGHT NOW.
1:49–They destroyed the foundation under a tank on street level, and brought it down to the stage below. That was kinda sexy.
1:54–I’m beyond being target audience for this at this point, but this seriously looks fucking incredible.
1:55–Never mind that shit, MIRROR’S EDGE 2 EXISTS!!
And done. Maxwell Patterson will be handling UbiSoft live, somewhere comfortable I hope. Where there’s reliable Wifi. And sandwiches. Sony at 6 PDT. Day ain’t over yet, kids.