Come one and all and refresh the page often! Also, leave your own brilliant comments on the talkback below or on this message board thread here.
I ensure you that you will be enthralled with the furiously intelligent
and funny richness you’ll find both on this page and the message board
thread populated by the finest readers in the land as well as some
assholes who should kill themselves.

For those of you who don’t
know, we have been known to do running commentary on the Oscars here on and the results range from amazing to awesome to astounding.
I’m sure our hosting will crap the bed at some point, but plug away we
will in an effort to entertain you with stuff that truly will change
the landscape of your lives and not only for tonight. Forever.

ease of the refresh I will post the latest timestamped installments at
the top, so when you bookmark this page and reread it every day until
next Spring, read it from the bottom. Backwards like some stupid manga.

Behold the fantastic!

11:46pm – The best picture won Best Picture. Folks, I apologize for this lame show and this lame commentary. I love you. Goodbye. Good Night. The Good Son. I sign off forever.

11:45pm – Joel Coen is an absolutely amazing human being. How does one become so impeccably brilliant without being a docuhe?

11:44pm – YES. YES. YES.

11:39pm – Stuart Pankin was robbed!

11:35pm – Of course Day-Lewis won. It’s a great performance. I wish Viggo snuck by but not because he was better but because his speech would have owned. Saw There Will Be Blood Again yesterday, and I still don’t love it but I definitely love him in it.

11:25pm – I love when strippers are recognized for being awesome.

11:21pm – Entering the home stretch. And my doctor unassisted suicide.

11:17pm – Michael Moore doesn’t win, goes into deep planning for his Price Waterhouse expose.

11:13pm – Something won something.

11:10pm – Atonement wins hopefully its only Oscar.

11:03pm – Sad corpse segment. Standouts: Antonioni. Kovacs. Clark. Pleshette. Kerr. Francis. Bergman. Ledger.

11:01pm – The wrong film won for cinematography. BIG TIME.


10:55pm – Great speech by Glen Hansard. Great retort by Stewart. Great being shafted by his dame.

10:50pm – Once wins and prevents the world from a full-scale film nerd meltdown.

10:48pm – And tonight on Dancing with the Thetans

10:47pm – So many places I’d rather be right now. People I’d rather be in.

10:46pm – The star of Loverboy!

10:43pm – Why couldn’t Pan’s Labyrinth win this year? I mean… Austria? Really?

10:42pm – Wow, this has been even worse than I hoped it would be!

10:37pm – Cool that my tennis buddy got an award.

10:32pm – I hope Nicole Kidman enjoyed her one His Dark Materials movie. Because…

10:30pm – I call bullshit on the editing award. Fuck it in the boot.

10:28pm – Renee Zellweger does her best Dianne Wiest impersonation.

10:23pm – That was a great bathroom break.

10:15pm – We still have OVER ten awards left. My scrotum just died a yeoman’s death.

10:13pm – YES. YES. I felt Cotillard HAD to win but I thought they were gonna fuck her. Justice is served. Honest to blog!

10:12pm – Forrest Whitaker forget to brag about Vantage Point.

10:09pm – Current whereabouts of Jessica Tandy revealed! Cloud Nine.

10:06pm – Jason Bourne you rascal! Someone in Hollywood is prejudiced against robots whose only goal is to save us from extinction… and ourselves.

10:05pm – “I’m Halle Berry” arguments aren’t bad I suppose. Bruce Vilanch should artery hard a little and let the boys write their own shit.


10:02pm – Rogen and Hill make my beard shift nervously.

10:00pm – It has been ten minutes since an award was handed out. On an AWARDS SHOW. And I’m typing this as the commercials run. It’ll probably be fifteen minutes by the time they get around to handing something out other than pestilence and hardship. And as I think I can’t be more apathetic… here’s Oprah in a commercial.

9:58pm – Note to readers. This is the last time I will ever do Oscar coverage on this or any other site. I’m sure you’re sad. This is so lame I can’t even keep my hate up. I just want to curl up and cry.

9:55pm – I’m beginning to think that they might be able to do away with the musical presentations. I don’t know. On a related note, we might be able to also do without genocide.

9:53pm – Miley Cyrus is alive. Fuck being at the Oscars. Why does she take air that belongs to the sparrows and rhinos?

9:50pm – Sid Ganis comes out to be someone no one really fucks a care about the fuck. Fuck a Sid Ganis in the mouth.

9:49pm – Coens win! Brilliant.

9:48pm – Josh Brolin’s chiseled man features ought to replace the face of everyone on currency everywhere.

9:44pm – “The always fantastic Jessica Alba”? What built this madness?

9:40pm – Seriously. Awesome speech by Nosferatu’s Slaughterhouse. You go! You go gir… asexual being!

9:38pm – Michael Clayton gets a win! Color me surprised.

9:36pm – Alan Arkin is a lovely man. Will Ruby Dee win the Grave Proximity Award?

9:35pm – Peter and the Wolf? Why didn’t Peter Wolf win? I could stand for Bill Conti’s cover of Piss on the Wall.

9:32pm – Bee Movie continues to fart at us.

9:30pm – Some weird guy is accepting an award. Make him go away.

9:30pm – So glad Owen Wilson didn’t have a “yes I’m happy to be sucking air” moment for the melodrama we all need.

9:26pm – I love when 95 people musically do the work of 9.

9:25pm – If you scroll down far enough you can see how even great sites
attract mouthbreathers in our talkback section. It’s OK, though. I can
take it…

9:23pm – Binoculars & Periscopes. A nice change of pace.

9:19pm – Get that illegal off the stage!

9:18pm – This was a truly a category where I didn’t mind who won. but, the right guy won.

9:15pm – HDTV was invented for Jennifer Hudson presenting this award.

9:12pm – I’m so tired of Tim Burton but Dante Feretti is better than a home cooked vagina.

9:11pm – America Never Forgets.

9:08pm – Best Visual Effects goes to WHAT? Fuck The Golden Compass. How did The Transformers not win this?

9:07pm – Dwayne Johnson needs do some more Rundown. I know you agree.

9:03pm – I love it when the site doesn’t load. Seriously it’s great. Fuck me…

8:59pm – I’m gonna clean shitballs off my socks while these songs are performed. But first, I need to shit balls.

8:58pm – The right film wins makeup! The one with makeup! That’s good! It doesn’t show off and it still won!

8:56pm – Heigl shouldn’t worry. She’ll never be at the Oscars again unless she starts to fuck someone talented.

8:54pm – Pixar continues Pixaring with a win.

8:53pm – Perseoplis isn’t about Harry Hamlin’s home town?

8:51pm – Elizabeth 2: Still Androgynousin’ wins an award because it is crap poop.

8:49pm – 80 years of Oscar. In its entirety.

8:48pm – And the site downtime begins in earnest.

8:45pm – “Charles Napier, how’s the career?” “I was fifth billed in a Diet Coke commercial.”

8:41pm – Monologue. Not too bad. Jon Stewart and political jokes are fine since he’s right.

8:37pm – Monologue. “Too often the Academy ignores movies that aren’t good.” I drip pre-sauce.

8:35pm – Monologue. “Thank God for teen pregnancy”. Great.

8:33pm – Monologue. Vanity Fair‘s face pushed into own stool.

8:32pm – Wow. Andrea Bocelli’s first special effects job is great!

8:30pm – Nothing makes me want to eat a hot sandwich more than Michael Clarke Duncan.

8:27pm – Why doesn’t Javier Bardem bring his face pumper to Regis’s mind?

– “The always glowing Keri Russell”? What the… Who the… I mean,
where did… Keri Russell? She wouldn’t be glowing if she blew Karen

8:19pm – It’s good that Tilda Swinton decided to get sexy for the Oscars by looking like the freeze dried version of Carrot Top.

8:18pm – That 84 year-old woman is sublimely fuckable.

8:15pm – Cameron Diaz. Remember when for three minutes she was interesting?

– Seeing Mickey Rooney just lifts the spirits. Guy just keeps on being
amazing and small. Jennifer Garner is great, by the way.

8:09pm – Miley Cyrus is a presenter. Clint Howard is not. Fuck Buddha in Allah’s ass.

8:07pm – Javier Bardem almost stirs my hetero manpenis.

8:05pm – I wonder if Cotillard enjoys the Communards.

– George Clooney is better than milk. Better than the discovery of
fire. Better than when God’s fingers spread from the heavens like

8:01pm – I just realized what a retarded name Regis Philbin is.

8:00pm – Just in case you thought Jesus died for your sins, here’s the Red Carpet coverage coming your way.

7:57pm – Why can’t Ghost Ship happen to Barbara Walters?

7:55pm – We were teased of more Barbara Walters on the horizon. Can someone see if Cloverfield is in her area?

7:52pm – How does one become a “fan of Calista Flockhart”?

7:50pm – I love ol’ Harrison. Always will. Now back to me wishing Syngenor would approach and devastate Barbara Walters…

7:47pm – I wonder how much Barbara’s face would crumple from even a punch at half strength from Roddy Piper.

7:44pm – We interrupt this commercial break with a little bit of semi-content from Barbara Walters and her folds of old.

7:40pm – The Amish beard was SO scraping against Harrison’s shirt in that Witness clip.

7:39pm – Harrison Ford doesn’t look a day over infinity.

7:38pm – I wonder what percentage of ad revenue is redistributed into Barbara’s ignorance lessons?

7:36pm – ABC likes the blacks!

7:35pm – Adorable. Ellen Page does a duet with Imhotep.

7:34pm – I’d jerk myself off nonstop for a week if Joe Spinell appeared behind Barbara with a shotgun and just ruined her.

7:32pm – That was sweet of Barry Manilow to fill in for Barbara.

7:31pm – Why don’t I want to fuck Ellen Page?

– Greetings readers of I am your spacious tour guide to the
lunacy and televised poop diaper that is the Oscars and the dumb cock
that precedes it. Instead of starting with the show, I’m going to
blather right on through Barbara Walters’ dry hump to the red carpet
semen killer and right on to the show itself. It’s my way of saying
“Fuck Earth”.

List of Nominees (will mark winners in RED):

1. Best Picture: “Atonement,” “Juno,” “Michael Clayton,” “No Country for Old Men,” “There Will Be Blood.”

2. Actor: George Clooney, “Michael Clayton”; Daniel Day-Lewis,
“There Will Be Blood
“; Johnny Depp, “Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of
Fleet Street”; Tommy Lee Jones, “In the Valley of Elah”; Viggo
Mortensen, “Eastern Promises.”

3. Actress: Cate Blanchett, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”; Julie
Christie, “Away From Her”; Marion Cotillard, “La Vie en Rose“; Laura
Linney, “The Savages”; Ellen Page, “Juno.”

4. Supporting Actor: Casey Affleck, “The Assassination of Jesse
James by the Coward Robert Ford”; Javier Bardem, “No Country for Old
“; Hal Holbrook, “Into the Wild”; Philip Seymour Hoffman, “Charlie
Wilson’s War”; Tom Wilkinson, “Michael Clayton.”

5. Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett, “I’m Not There”; Ruby
Dee, “American Gangster”; Saoirse Ronan, “Atonement”; Amy Ryan, “Gone
Baby Gone”; Tilda Swinton, “Michael Clayton.”

6. Director: Julian Schnabel, “The Diving Bell and the
Butterfly”; Jason Reitman, “Juno”; Tony Gilroy, “Michael Clayton”; Joel
Coen and Ethan Coen, “No Country for Old Men
“; Paul Thomas Anderson,
“There Will Be Blood.”

7. Foreign Film: “Beaufort,” Israel; “The Counterfeiters,” Austria; “Katyn,” Poland; “Mongol,” Kazakhstan; “12,” Russia.

8. Adapted Screenplay: Christopher Hampton, “Atonement”; Sarah
Polley, “Away from Her”; Ronald Harwood, “The Diving Bell and the
Butterfly”; Joel Coen & Ethan Coen, “No Country for Old Men“; Paul
Thomas Anderson, “There Will Be Blood.”

9. Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody, “Juno“; Nancy Oliver,
“Lars and the Real Girl”; Tony Gilroy, “Michael Clayton”; Brad Bird,
Jan Pinkava and Jim Capobianco, “Ratatouille”; Tamara Jenkins, “The

10. Animated Feature Film: “Persepolis”; “Ratatouille“; “Surf’s Up.”

11. Art Direction: “American Gangster,” “Atonement,” “The Golden
Compass,” “Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street,” “There Will
Be Blood.”

12. Cinematography: “The Assassination of Jesse James by the
Coward Robert Ford,” “Atonement,” “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly,”
“No Country for Old Men,” “There Will Be Blood.”

13. Sound Mixing: The Bourne Ultimatum,” “No Country for Old Men,” “Ratatouille,” “3:10 to Yuma,” “Transformers.”

14. Sound Editing:The Bourne Ultimatum,” “No Country for Old Men,” “Ratatouille,” “There Will Be Blood,” “Transformers.”

15. Original Score:Atonement,” Dario Marianelli; “The Kite
Runner,” Alberto Iglesias; “Michael Clayton,” James Newton Howard;
“Ratatouille,” Michael Giacchino; “3:10 to Yuma,” Marco Beltrami.

16. Original Song:Falling Slowly” from “Once,” Glen Hansard
and Marketa Irglova; “Happy Working Song” from “Enchanted,” Alan Menken
and Stephen Schwartz; “Raise It Up” from “August Rush,” Nominees to be
determined; “So Close” from “Enchanted,” Alan Menken and Stephen
Schwartz; “That’s How You Know” from “Enchanted,” Alan Menken and
Stephen Schwartz.

17. Costume: “Across the Universe,” “Atonement,” “Elizabeth:
The Golden Age,”
“La Vie en Rose,” “Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of
Fleet Street.”

18. Documentary Feature: “No End in Sight,” “Operation
Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience,” “Sicko,” “Taxi to the Dark
,” “War/Dance.”

19. Documentary (short subject): Freeheld,” “La Corona (The Crown),” “Salim Baba,” “Sari’s Mother.”

20. Film Editing:The Bourne Ultimatum,” “The Diving Bell and
the Butterfly,” “Into the Wild,” “No Country for Old Men,” “There Will
Be Blood.”

21. Makeup: La Vie en Rose,” “Norbit,” “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.”

22. Animated Short Film: “I Met the Walrus,” “Madame
Tutli-Putli,” “Meme Les Pigeons Vont au Paradis (Even Pigeons Go to
Heaven),” “My Love (Moya Lyubov),” “Peter & the Wolf.

23. Live Action Short Film: “At Night,” “Il Supplente (The
Substitute),” “Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets),”
“Tanghi Argentini,” “The Tonto Woman.”

24. Visual Effects:The Golden Compass,” “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,” “Transformers.”