Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.

Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a “T” DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.

This week’s theme: ITEMS THAT WILL SHIT YOUR PANTS!



1. One of My Favorite Lumberjack/Werewolf Toys.

Why buy separate lumberjack and werewolf figures in today’s downsizing world when you can have one that inverts itself into the other without the mess of having two of them bitches around the house?

And forget trying to get two real ones in the same room together. You’d best stick with a toy featuring both smashed together. Aside from the fact that both enjoy the eatins’ of the other, there’s also the hygiene thing.

They’re stinking animals, lumberjacks
.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • I liked this better when it was call Meat Autobot.

  • Plaid can suppress the werewolf gene. It’s why lumberjacks make for such amazingly choosy werewolves.

  • Someone came up with this.

  • I’m glad it’s a lumberjack turning into a werewolf and not a foot surgeon as originally planned.

  • The scary fact that no one is talking about, the real big freak thing about this whole ordeal. Man lumberjack. Girl Werewolf. How does this not get picked up by the news?
BUY THIS HUNK!


2. Why Wait To Ruin Your Kid’s Entire Earth?



That’s cool that I can’t get a business loan to start a legal chinchilla brothel yet the folks behind BabyToupee have a burgeoning line of products that’d make the folks at DaughterPenis and ToddlerDouche squirm with envy.

Hairpieces. For kids!

Because the only thing missing that’d make your own child worth loving is a nice set of strap-on hair. It’s one thing when a family takes a cute picture of their child for posterity sake and for blackmail, but to actually build a business plan about a faux boyhair enterprise makes me uncream my jeans.

We all have those stories. Our parents thought it’d be cute to put makeup on us. Put tennis ball titties on us. Tug our nuts a little. it’s part of the landscape. I know that it was all in good fun when Mom and Dad covered me in sour cream and tossed me to the gays.

But this. Is different.



Nicky’s Trivia:

  • If sales are brisk we can finally get a nice paste-on landing strip for your one-year old’s pubis.



  • Have you ever seen an adorable kid and felt the only thing keeping it from being a legend was 50,000 pieces of disease on its head?

  • Silver Shamrock is real.

  • Folks who purchase these for their kids are entered into a drawing to win a trip to Lake Tahoe. And also become registered child molesters.

  • A thumb tack on the soft spot holds these in place famously.



3. Give Her The Gunk.

Gelli Baff is a product that you put in the water and it hardens it around you, creating a thick pool of mucus and in turn hours of recreation.

It even comes in red should you want your kiddie pool to look like Nosferatu’s slaughterhouse.

I like swimming. I never tire of it. I’m 35 and I’ve never been frolicking in the surf and wished that everything around me would go hard.

Mankind has long enjoyed a loving yet dangerous relationship with water. Sometimes it nourishes us. Sometimes it surrounds us and treats us like a rugged hero. Sometimes it never gets hard around us.

Until now.


Nicky’s Trivia


  • Cheaper than this? SEMEN.

  • This is actually fortuitous as I had planned on re-enacting Breeders with children.

  • After you’ve shared a solid gelatin bath with another naked kid what really else do you need to do in life?

  • Neat thing about Gelli Baff is that it’s snizz juice soluble.

  • Be careful or Bill Cosby is going to show up and taste you!



4. You’re A Little Cock To Be a Stormtrooper…





A while back they made a George Lucas Stormtrooper action figure. One of Darth Vader’s minions but with the added bonus of being a hard-shelled delicacy filled with bearded leadership.

This is not news. I am not awakening you to the fact. I don’t intend to always wow you with my farsighted product hunch hunger.

I am merely a vessel for the spirit.

George Lucas as a toy is intriguing. Especially since I have this really cool tiny rubber Frank Darabont script accessory that needs to be shat on by a tiny plastic man.


What better way to represent faceless, thoughtless oppression and murder of the creative spirit?


Nicky’s Trivia:
  • Fuck this toy.



  • It’s a shame Jabba was taken.

  • Fuck this toy.

  • Fuck this toy.


DISCUSS THIS COLUMN!