I’m frankly at a loss for words when I try to describe the trailer for Uwe Boll’s Far Cry hosted over at Twitch.

Every time I try to string words together into clauses and sentences my right and left brains are split by the sword of Til Schweiger’s sleepwalking un-charismatic presence. When I look into Udo Kier’s eyes I see only a machine that calculates dollars per screen second; he might as well replace his retinas with those scrolling counters you used to see on gasoline pumps and treadmills. Kier knows he’s sunk lower than Klaus Kinski licking the taint of a passed out 280lb Tangier harlot with three hungry children mewling in the adjoining room. It’s in every line reading.

I get all that and still I managed to find the first thirty seconds entertaining, and then all the explosions started. It’s like Boll invited the cast and crew to an island for the weekend, loaded ‘em up on Everclear and Bartles & James coolers then rolled cameras as they beat the shit out of each other.

I also had to wonder if Til Schweiger has a Kevin James-shaped real doll strapped to his back at the 0:56 mark.

But at least there’s….DON DAVIS!

It’s enough to make you forget about the wait until May 22.