Somewhere, Robert Englund is getting off a treadmill.

He’s wondering if he really needs to make an effort to stay in shape so
as to be able to be affixed with plentiful latex appliances and a
shoddy monochromatic sweater, knowing that his onetime ace in the hole is
officially being taken away from him by New Line, the studio his 1984
maiden voyage as Freddy Krueger helped put on the map.

Of course, in the “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” sweepstakes, Mr.
Englund doesn’t have a lot to stand on in terms of swaying the studios
desires about rebooting their once signature franchise [now narrowly edged out
of the way by something involving hobbits] with him reprising his role
as Sir. Frederick Aristotle Krueger, III, Esq.

I’m not saying he’s not been acting in horror films. I’m saying he’s not been acting in horror films that a movie studio like New Line gives an ugnaught’s dick about.

What does all this chaff mean? It means that Variety is reporting that Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes has taken their remaking prowess and given A Nightmare on Elm St. the same treatment they gave The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, The Hitcher, The Birds, and possibly Friday the 13th. No word on whether their scaly claws have reached out to Humungous yet…

They’re relaunching Wes Craven’s franchise, one which wore out its welcome so long enough ago that many of this site’s readers were moving about rapidly in their dad’s balls.

I don’t look at these films as replacements for the originals. They’re covers. Unfortunately, they’re not like Faith No More’s covers of Spanish Eyes or Easy but rather Alien Ant Farm’s opportunistic Smooth Criminal cover or when Sixpence None the Richer chestraped the immortal Crowded House tune Don’t Dream It’s Over, officially my favorite pop song from my lifetime.

I wonder what the heck a new Nightmare can bring us? Freddy Krueger was scary for exactly one movie and then became that horrible 80’s staple of the wisecracking bad guy. Will they return him to being scary or lay the groundwork for some more BORING?

Like it matters. They’ll make a mint and most of the people who remember when the franchise was relevant will be too busy staving off old age to care.

But Bob, get back on the treadmill. Just in case you bump into Robert Shaye in a dark alley.