A Nice Hard Slap – Fuck This Face.

It’s painfully easy to rip on Twilight, not only because there is no way it can possibly be good. Not only because vampires are absolute horseshit 88% of the time. Not only because nearly everything that isn’t my dick embraced by recently pubed girls tends to be horrible. Not only because Peter Facinelli features prominently. Even the considerable presence of Catherine Hardwicke behind the lens does nothing to negate the utter shitballness of another unneccessary vampire story featuring young people looking all drab and dreamy.

The real reason to hate Twilight sight unseen is simple. This face:

I’m sure 22 year-old actor Robert Pattinson’s not a bad person in real life, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting him to experience grievous trauma simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and looking like he does in this completely overused photograph. I think his look succinctly sums up why I hate vampires 88% of the time ALL OF THE TIME.

Is it the overstyled hair? That’s part of it. Is it the way the makeup is used to emphasize the kid’s already blandly superboymodel cheekbones? Certainly. But mostly it’s the look. The “I’m undead and so sexy it’ll hurt your tween clit” glare.

Vampires are dumb. Twilight is dumb (I’ve read zero pages and it’s probably good but I’ll never know because I don’t want to be wrong when it comes ot horrible vampire bullshit). That this will be a phenomenon is dumb. You pay to see this? You’re dumb.

Fuck this face until its cheeks are rosy, its hair is flattened out, and the expression is of fatigue and baffled sadness. Nothing good can come of it.

– Nick Nunziata is not going to believe any of this Let The Right One In hype no matter who says it’s good because vampires are dumb.

Before I go, here’s the latest thing I’m adding to the blog. Each day I blog I’ll have a song, a piece of artwork, a photo, a Mary Worth, or something to further justify your click and to give the trolls a little more ammo. Today, the latest out of our SuperHero and SuperVillain Notebook, Harry Facehuge:

Art by Andrea Rothe.