A Nice Hard Slap – Craig Tiberius Nelson Must Be Hurting.

I’m
never one to turn down a Heather O’Rourke joke, not because I don’t
feel for the little girl’s family and their loss but because I’m more
in love with morbid jokes than I am with compassion. It’s a war I fight
every day, one which costs me friends and success no doubt. It sucks
that the kid died, especially if it could have been avoided. It sucks
when any kid dies, though I guess it’s part of GOD’S WILL. To kill kids all around town all the time.
Maybe He has a deal with Japanese filmmakers, lest they become angry
themselves without enough angry dead kids to fuel each and every film
they ever make and take the fight to He/Himself/Him In Capital Letters
Whether you Like It Or Not if He doesn’t comply to their crazy Japanese will.

It
also sucks that the majority of my “defeated children” jokes involve
O’Rourke or JonBenét Ramsey, but this isn’t about my
problems is it? I don’t do enough dead kid research? Go fuck yourself.

For those not in the know, Heather’s the kid from the Poltergeist
films who became famous for saying “They’re here” who then became a
poltergeist herself after dying from complications involving septic
shock and intestinal stenosis. It’s a sad story and one that fuels that
whole “Poltergiest is cursed bullshit”. Poltergeist isn’t cursed, it’s great.

Note to lawyers:
I am not indicating that she’s officially a poltergeist. That requires
a long and drawn out process involving plasm, whispers in the ether,
pots and pans being banged, and dumb luck. I’m just saying the girl is
no more, and I enjoy making light of the poltergeists roaming this
world and the next. It’s actually quite nice to be chosen for
poltergeistdom and if she has been so allocated she should wear that as
a badge of honor.


They’ve
been running this DirecTV ad during the baseball playoffs, the latest
of many where they annoyingly interweave new footage and existing
footage to turn scenes into movie into ads for their service, featuring
the apparently ageless Craig T. Nelson interacting with the Carol Anne
character from the film, though instead of being haunted for living on
top of defeated souls they’re under attack for using cable instead of
satellite.

Take a look:


The aformentioned ad.


A
quick search indicates there’s been some outcry over the use of a dead
kid’s likeness for the ad and I sort of agree, if for nothing else than
because it takes me out of the ad. I can’t see Heather O’Rourke and not
think about her tragic story and that she had to pretend to be happy
about living under the same roof as Nancy Allen and Tom Skerritt in her
last Poltergeist film.

But the real meat, the real tragedy here, is that Craig T. Nelson agreed to do it.
Here’s an actor I love, and not just because he almost achieved his
master plan if it weren’t for that pesky Action Jackson. Here’s a guy
you just like
onscreen. He exudes charisma and charm, a dose of sweetness in a
lumberjack’s body. He spent thousands of hours on set with the kid
actor during the bulk of her life, teaching her the craft, bonding with
her, and ultimately being very convincing in his character’s love for
her in the films. He surely was saddened by her death. It had to be a
wake-up call about the people he loves in his personal life.

How
bad does it have to be for him to do the ad for DirecTV? That’s the
real tragedy here. It’s a bad idea for an ad, because there are so many
memorable scenes in that film they could have used. For example:

1. Craig writhes in the mudbath swimming pool with corpses saying “Fuck! Comcast told me this wasn’t going to happen!”

2.
The ugly son gets strangled by the clown and no one saves him because
he’s ugly. The clown saunters off, saying “If you had DirecTV you could
have hit rewind and saved his ass. Instead, me and Pennywise are going
to run a train on him once I find a bag to cover his face.”


3. Jenna Jameson pulls a gelatin-covered tennis ball from her vagina.

How
bad is it for Craig T. Nelson? It can’t be! He’s still in big movies.
he’s still great! Does he have a massive gambling habit? Did he sell
his soul to Robert Blake and this is his comeuppance? Why does it
happen?

The
ad is ill-advised. I don’t think the folks who made it are coasting on
the coattails of a deceased child or anything, though I personally
couldn’t not think about Heather O’Rourke’s sad story the whole time.
It’s just a poor choice, what with all the memorable options just
waiting to be milked.

Shit,
there are so many people out there who love shilling stuff. You’re
telling me Bruce Campbell wouldn’t have done a DirecTV ad featuring a
clip from Army of Darkness? Or Sundown? Or Maniac Cop? Or ANYTHING HE’S EVER DONE? William Shatner? Wait, he’s done one.

Bad
choice, DirecTV. Better luck next time. And while you’re at it… spend
that money improving the interface on your service. It is horrid.

-
Nick Nunziata’s already sent in his poltergeist application.




Before
I go, here’s the latest thing I’m adding to the blog. Each day I blog I’ll
have a song, a piece of artwork, a photo, a Mary Worth, or something to
further justify your click and to give the trolls a little more ammo. Today, the latest out of our SuperHero and SuperVillain Notebook, Water Nihilist:


Art by Nick Nunziata.