those of you who dared to believe that Ice Cube would sand down the rough, rusted, tetanus-inducing edges of Welcome Back Kotter… motherfucker, does he have some words for you: "There’s a script. We’ve got the same characters, they’re just re-vamped to suit the times, totally different. It’s, like, flipped. With me playing Kotter, how couldn’t it be?"

Hear that? Cube knows how to throw it down. This is the man who grabbed Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House by the hips and forced himself on the material until he raped out Are We Done Yet? Yes, indeedy. The same guy who got all up in Vin Diesel’s bowels and blew out xXx: State of the Union, the most awesomely excessive sequel to a piece-of-shit orignal since Oliver’s Story. Cube knows how to fuck himself some quality. We must show deference. And, failing that, we should at least buy All About the Benjamins on DVD.

So what to expect from a Cube-ified Welcome Back Kotter? I’m thinking the Sweathogs show up for a week of homeroom before coming to roost on the corner, where they’re tutored in the fine art of murder by Chris and Snoop. Seriously, if Duquan is susceptible to the lure of slinging, then we’re all just biding time. And if you’re not watching HBO’s The Wire, you don’t matter.

Cube has all sorts of good ideas about the Welcome Back Kotter movie over at the MTV Movies Blog. What’s great about that post is that I’m pretty sure I was there for the answer, and I might’ve asked the question. I am, as always, on top of shit.