After I wrote about the bizarre absurdity of an Idiocracy tie-in product being released – especially one as weird as Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator energy drink – the PR company handling the new beverage got in touch and wanted to know if I would like to try some Brawndo. What the fuck, I figured, it’s too late to start living healthy now anyway. This morning a package arrived at my door and inside was three cans of Brawndo. I put one in the fridge to chill and figured I would drink it during my after-lunch coma, to see if Brawndo would be what I craved.
First of all, I approve of the packaging. There’s a blurb on the back explaining how Brawndo has electrolytes, which is what plants crave, and not like water, like out of the toilet. This can looks like a prop from the movie. It’s when I open the can that things start going downhill. Brawndo is greenish, a sort of Mountain Dew or Slurm color*, and the taste is reminiscent of lemon/lime, but perhaps after being passed through the urinary tract of a leprous sailor. I don’t want to say that Brawndo is the worst thing I have ever tasted, because even though it’s in the runnning, I have certainly tasted worst. It’s among the worst things I have ever tasted that came packaged, though, which leaves out all the wacky concoctions we used to make in the kitchen as kids. Brawndo is, to put it simply, fucking disgusting.
It’s also giving me something of a stomach ache. I’m no pussy when it comes to energy drinks, but I’m finding this can of Brawndo very hard to finish. It’s super sweet, and has a tongue coating after taste; put both together and I find myself wanting water, you know, like from the toilet. I have two more cans of this stuff – one is staying sealed for novelty value/sale on eBay in 2027, while the other… who knows? Maybe if I ever get despondent enough I’ll chug the whole thing to end it all.
I know that my thumbs down will not deter you from buying Brawndo, should it be available in your market, and I wouldn’t expect you to pass up such an odd opportunity. Just remember, as you’re grimacing and trying to choke this crap down, I warned you.
*Slurm seems like the obvious next step in fake soft drinks coming real.