is a helluva way to come back from a maternity leave.

Undoubtedly, Salma Hayek is one of the sexiest women alive. Feel free to dispute this, and feel free to know that you are wrong. So I’m thrilled that she’s finally returning to the big screen after taking time off to do the whole pregnancy thing (and, seriously, we here at CHUD are happy that mommy and baby are, by all accounts, healthy). What isn’t particularly thrilling is the role Hayek has chosen as her comeback vehicle: Madame Truska in Paul Weitz’s Cirque du Freak. "Truska." Doesn’t even sound sexy, right? Well, put a beard on ol’ woman Truska and see what that does for your libido.

Now, if any woman could sport a beard fetchingly, it’s Hayek. But why subject yourself to such an unforgiving degree of difficulty? Even if you pull it off, it’s like saying you were the sexiest leper in film history – which means you out-hotted Anthony Zerbe in Papillon. Congratulations.

Hayek joins John C. Reilly, who’ll play the central character of Larten Crepsley in the adaptation of the popular YA novel. Josh Hutcherson will play Crepsley’s young assistant, who gets turned into a half-vampire by the all-vampire Crepsley. And then they end up battling a rival race known as the Vampanese. Any of this sound remotely interesting? No? Well, it starts shooting next month, so fuck you.