The Set Up.
"This is gay."
If I had a dollar for every time some little teenage pile of dearth said that in my area I’d have like thirty bucks. Blood money. I was at a video game store [looking for Disgaea for the PSP unsuccessfully, btw] and the guy had sauntered up to the demo XBOX 360 to play a game. I don’t even know what the game was, but in the span of literally 25 seconds he determined that the game was a full-blown out of the closet homosexual. Not subtle gay like that actor in that movie with the muscles but totally in your face gay. Enchanted Arms gay. Like John Cameron Mitchell’s gonna direct the film adaptation of the game kind of gay.
I’ve been out of high school for 18 years and I cringed in those less touchy-feely days whenever the term ‘gay’ was used to describe something that was BAD. I can’t imagine now what it must be like in a world where it’s getting a little easier for an individual to admit that yes, they like the taste of their own sex’s sauces but at the same time have to deal with these skinbags being so uncreative in how they describe the things they hate. May I suggest substituting the word with "Jerk" or "Gilded Moron" or "Sentient Offal".
What a bunch of fags.
Oh, welcome to the new Steady Leak.
Who Dat? #1
Hint: He has seen pockmarks up close.
Last Installment Answer: Miko Hughes!
Proud of Bootlegs!
You guys are pretty hardcore film fans. The folks who write for this site are borderline film psychopaths. Me, well I am an internet sensation. The general public, though… they’re pretty fucked.
These are the people who piss us off in DVD shops, overhearing their conversations. These are the people who trust Maxim’s movie reviews. The ones who won’t see a Brad Pitt film because of "how he treated Jennifer". They’re the people who you can’t share our podcast with. They’re the ones in front of you in line making you hate mankind. The people who will actually see the accursed Meet the Spartans. These are the folks I’ve sadly recently heard proudly proclaiming of the bootlegs they have of theatrical films. At a golf outing. At the cigar shop. At a restaurant I frequent. At the movie theater. Twice I argued with them. Twice I just walked slowly away biting my tongue and not in the sexy come hither way I’ve become known for. In a MEAN way.
Folks, I’ve wasted a lot of your browser’s cache blabbering about how much I hate illegal downloading so I’ll not repeat that spiel, but what I don’t understand is sixfold:
- Where do these pumpers get all these things and why?
- Why do they talk openly about it?
- Is the fifteen minute window between theaters and home video so excruciating? I remember how long I had to wait for E.T. or Return of the Jedi to hit home video. It felt like half my childhood. Today, it’s usually 90 days for damn’s sake. How short is their attention span?
- Who’s proud of having a bootleg of Zodiac, a film that NEEDED your dollars at the box office and a film that was released in a time of year where you almost HAD to see it because there was very little of consequence available? Zodiac! A girl told me with a straight face that she watched a bootleg of Zodiac. Fuck that!
- Just because the internet has places to do this doesn’t mean folks need to partake. Are these the same people who will gobble up food samples at the store even if they’re not hungry or people that’ll fuck a willing partner because they’re there and with a hole, relationship or marriage be damned?
- Puke into yourself.
Aging Like a Fine AIDS afflicted Leper Rabies Patient
My wife was flipping through channels and Return of the Jedi was there, causing my daughter to say "STOP THERE!". She likes Darth Vader, but she doesn’t know what a pussy asshole prick bastard he was growing up and I didn’t have the heart to tell her. To my surprise, she sat there and watched the whole second half of the movie asking a million questions and getting up and having her own pantomime space battles. She’s good like that. I didn’t encourage her, but I was glad to see that she had a reaction to an OLD Star Wars film just like she did to the OLD Godzilla movie I showed her that kickstarted that craze in her life that’s now over a year old and still kicking. She waited for the mail every day around the holidays for her stuffed Rodan toy and when it finally arrived she was insanely giddy.
So I gave her all the Star Wars toys I had. Took the box down and gave her all of it. It was like Santa Claus pulled off his belt and unloaded 62 inches of pure G.I.F.T.
And in an amazing act of selflessness I then allowed her to watch The Phantom Menace. I figured… the story starts there so I’ll let her watch it in continuity and if she likes the Prequels more I’ll just become Terry O’Quinn on her ass. I saw Star Wars at age 5 and it changed my life, she’s 4 and smarter than I was at 5 [or 17] so I figured she could handle it.
She had a great time, I was rid of figures that improperly touched my childhood, and I was dealt a very surprising reality pill…
Episode One looks like asshole. I mean, it has aged horribly and not as a piece of cinema but as a technological item it looks wretched. The CGI. The sets. The digital process. It already feels old. Like a product from BACK THEN. Not WAY BACK THEN but farther BACK THEN than other films from 1999. Anything that features a human being looks really touched by time. The stuff that’s 100 percent CGI is fine because we’re so used to CGI that though the technique may suffer here and there… we’re used to the digital-ness of it all. Aside from the stuff that made me cringe, all new moments plus all of the old ones [I literally cannot handle any of the Gungan, Nimoudian, or Baby Greedo stuff to the point that I wanted to punch my TV], I was just caught up in how it felt like an old and yes BAD film. My saving grace scene even came off as horrible. The underwater monster scene, something that’s pretty much the easiest way to my heart… TERRIBLE! I love the monster designs and the scenes where it’s just monsters are great but the Jedis go in a sub, are almost eaten and then the big guy eats the thing chasing them. Then they go and are attacked by a different monster who is conveniently ALSO eaten by the big monster. Anyhow… I was surprised how the quality of the medium has evolved over the past half decade. Watch this movie… or rather don’t, and then watch Beowulf. Well that’s kind of cheating because that’s all CGI. Watch Transformers. It’s amazing how much different they are.
I know I’m ripping the easiest target ever but now I think that the way these films are getting a little worn in and less than cutting edge may actually help them over time to seem like actual parts of an old saga rather than shiny impersonal affronts to our good taste. It’s weird. I actually felt bad for George Lucas. Then I saw Baby Greedo jumping up and down and the piss inside me boiled hot and all was good again.
By the way, here’s something dumb. Yoda is a playable character in the new Soul Calibur game. That’s pretty fucked. Now, if it was YADDLE…
Thanks to IGN for the picture. And no one else.
News Attack Regurgibirthed #2
me a hand. What’s more depressing, seeing everyone you love eaten by
insects or watching the nightly news? For me it depends on if the
insects are arboreal. To save you the heartache, I browsed the US news
section of CNN for material and all I got was this lousy column. Here’s a quick rundown…
1. The Headline: Dead Man Taken to Cash Check (link)
Take: A couple of guys dragged a corpse to go cash a $355 check because, well… the check was made out to him and of course they wanted to have his body there. It’s in the Constitution, your skin hulk is as good as a picture I.D.
I don’t see what the problem is. Just because guys are dragging a dead gentleman around town trying to cash his dead money, people have to get so up in arms? More people should invite the unliving to events.
The story mentioned that a crowd gathered around the dead body, whom the check cashers left outside the money gettin’ place. Isn’t that just typical of modern crowds? Gathering around a dead item in question. Milling about. Taking pictures with their camera phones. Trying to get checks cashed. It’s lunacy I tell you.
2. The Headline: Woman Eating at Restaurant Killed By Van (link)
Take: A lady was eating near the window at Arby’s and a van smashed through the window on and around her. She was vanquished by its crushing girth and is no longer a mortal being. She can no longer eat at Arby’s. She wins!
3. The Headline: Bus Carrying Woman’s Basketball Team Catches Fire (link)
Take: I don’t know how many acts of nature we need to realize that women and basketball don’t mix.
Unless they’re attractive.
I jest. Sort of. Apparently the gals heard an explosion in the back of the bus [well you know what happens to Point Guards after Thai food…] and got the fuck outta dodge. That’s what you’re supposed to do when your truck’s ass explodes. Firefighters say that when they arrived the vehicle was 75% flaming. Like you during sophomore year in high school. I personally don’t care what percentage of a bus is on fire. I care what percentage of the basketball ladies I can, after they’ve folded in half to be a size closer to mine, deliver the payload to.
4. The Headline: Girl Scout Cookie Truck Crashes (link)
Take: A large truck jacknifed all around town, sending cookies high into the sky, wounding the driver and sending baked treats to a messy and delectable early grave. I personally find this to be the latest mythbusting event in a life full of them [Santa being a fraud, it not being aliens who shattered my ass hymen, and the Tooth Fairy not being Francis Dolarhyde], and possibly the worst ever. I thought that the girls baked the fuckers, boxed them, stacked them, and carried them to our homes, only stopping for food and hotel lesbian orgies. Fuck the girl scouts. How dare they bring the Teamsters into our secret pact.
5. The Headline: Prison Escapee Shot and Killed, Police Say (link)
Take: Shot AND killed. Now that’s just insult to injury. I think that people who shoot at people AND kill them are just gluttons. Selfish. I’m perfectly cool with cops who shoot a guy and then deliver the Coup De Grace like Batroc across the jowls of their enemy. Some sort of finishing move. Maybe they shoot a guy and then punch them into traffic. That’s a noble death. Maybe they shoot a guy in that perfect spot that ages them rapidly and the victim falls to the ground a shot and dead BUT VERY OLD criminal 4-Eva.
Who Dat? #2
Hint: Not the easiest name to say out loud.
Last Installment Answer: Charlie Korsmo!
It’s the end of an era for my childhood in two weeks when Rambo is released. I hate that name, by the way. It should have been John Rambo. Or First Blood Part Four. Or 80 Minutes of Nondescript Foreigners Getting Violently Dispatched. Devin apparently dug the movie, so that’s good. But it really is the end of an era. All of the franchises I loved [James Bond doesn’t count because the series was shit during my growing years and it’s a force of nature that defies the whole idea of franchise… or embodies it] growing up are tucking themselves to sleep, unless they get Dreyfus, Estevez, and Cube for Are We Stakeout Yet?, which would be brilliant. I’m glad to see Sly getting to do his franchises his way instead of them just being punchlines but he’s the last of them. I don’t need another Jack Burton film. Another Ash film. Another Jake Speed.
Why didn’t I mention Indiana Jones? Because my heart’s not in it anymore. I’ll watch that new flick with my brain and I’m not going to let the music, the tilt of the hat, or that scarred chin do my emotional work for me. No more. Not again. After John Rambo slaughters his last rice eating adversary… I’m not taking my heart into a movie theater again. It’s all brains and penis henceforth. I hope it’s good. I think it will be good. But it’s gotta EARN that good.
Who Dat? #3
Hint: Hepburn she ain’t.
Last Installment Answer: Vicellous Shannon!
Rapid fire questions from you. Rapid fire answers from me. That’s how this shit works. Bring the kindling and I’ll bring the fire. Bring the steaks and I’ll bring the Jane’s Crazy Mixed-Up Salt. Bring the shirtless breasts and I’ll look at them. Sumit millions of questions HERE. Nothing is taboo.
Any word on the site redesign?
I’ll remain mum on details because I want to strangle some folks.
- Well….HAS MySpace beefed you up?
Ask me again when I surpass Dane Cook. It’ll happen!
- If CHUD were to have a Kumite-esque tournament involving all the main
staff and contributors, who would emerge atop the bloody heap of the
- Who is going to end more fucked up, Britney or her little pregnant sister?
The press, for giving them any attention at all.
- If you were born with 50 testicles, would you want 25 scrotums or one big one?
Speaking from experience, 25 scrotums is the way to go.
- If you had to get a handjob from a male CHUD Staffmember. Which one and why?
Jeremy Butler. Because everything is bigger in Texas.
- If it was up to you to decide, what would be the word of the year?
- What drug do you recommend i take up?
Drug behind a redneck’s car, you damn homo!
- You were the most positive voice on the Batman Begins tag team.
What are your thoughts for TDK, having seen the trailer? (I know you
wrote an article a while back predicting that BB was the best we were
gonna get. Curious to hear what you think of the trailer.)
I did not like the trailer as much as I hoped. Then again, I am so tired of The Joker it’s going to be an uphill climb. I trust Nolan and his cast and crew, but I still feel that Batman Begins (which holds up famously on repeat viewings) will be the one that holds the most appeal. The film was good without the hero or the villains. What other superhero films can you say that about?
And if Phantom of the Paradise can cure on-the-job ennui, what film do you recommend for dry skin?
- Since he’s going to be making the press rounds soon for his upcoming
film MISSIONARY MAN, is there any chance at taking another shot at
interviewing Dolph Lundgren?
I have no interest in doing that again. I was very excited to speak with him and the result was so dreadfully boring I’d rather not try again. That said, I want to cast him in a film before he REALLY retires.
What 3 films are you most looking forward to in 2008?
Iron Man. Hellboy 2.The X-Files 2. Also, Wall-E. Cloverfield. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Grizzly Park. The Dark Knight. Many others I suppose. But I’m all about the mainstream this year.
- What will the well-dressed Chewer be wearing to holiday parties this season?
- If you could interview any movie star, director, writer, gaffer,
whatever; living or dead, who would it be? Yes, it can be someone you
have already interviewed.
Most definitely Chase Masterson.
- Muttonchops, Van Dyke, or Handlebar?
All of the above, plus lesser know facial hairstyles The Apprentice Hunchback, Mr. Birthfire, The Makepeace on Roofies, The Raspberry Demigod, the Reverse Ed O’Ross, Pinhead’s Pendulum, and the Sixty-Five Whisker Salute.
- Weight loss plan, A) Eat Less, Exercise More or B) Cut off fatty chunks ala ‘Seven’?
Find a hobby you love that’s active and do it with verve, and for the love of Pete… don’t talk about it all the time or let it define you. The act is its reward, not bragging about it or making it the topic du jour every jour. I had this one summer where I decided to become a skinny asshole and I ate a lot of boiled chicken and played baseball out in the heat and swam all the time in the baking sun. I lost a lot of weight and my girlfriend (now my wife) said… don’t do this again, you’re tiny! The morale: Do what makes you happy but make it a part of the day but not the most important part of the day.
- Collecting? Sad excuse to relive childhood or dangerous and creepy obsession?
As time wears on, I see less and less reason to hoard shit.
- Best movie moustache – Brolin’s pornstache, or Gary Oldman’s "Commissioner Gordon" broomstache?
- What new fashion will 2008 impose ? wearing your underwear backwards or growing uncontrollable mustaches? A resurgence of late 19th century fashion? Or something else?
See through pussies.
- Why the hell does Taco Bell put Onions in their Bean AND Cheese Burrito?
To cut the pungent taste of dried skin and manpower juice.
- What do the paypal donations go to exactly? Web hosting fees? Staff
paychecks? Thai hookers and blow? Completing your collection of Beanie
Babies? How hurting are we for more?
Since I think the total amount of donations is much less than $100 in the past year, it went towards stamps or mailers or whatever else the given day called for. Why don’t Ann Jillionaires read this site and donate?
- How low is too low to have sex with teenagers?
Four Foot Five. I guess it all depends on how old you are and how much you value a piece of ass. If it’s worth the risk and whatnot. Worse than prison: A girl you have to marry who uses "honest to blog" in actual conversation. I haven’t done a teen since I was a teen but I’ll say this: I am pretty sure they suck at sex comparatively and the fantasy’s probably a lot better than the reality.
- Given the chance to work on one property, rather it has been a film in the past or not, what would be that one property?
Well, there’s a remake I want to do more than anything in the world but I can’t mention it because I haven’t found out if I can possibly get the rights. I actually have a list of these things but I can’t say what they are because there’s always the chance it’ll happen. I’ll tell you this: I would punch a priest to be involved in a new Creature from the Black Lagoon. Then again, I punch priests all the time.
What’s the true story of the picture of Devin without pants on?
Don’t know. Don’t want to know. Live in fear of knowing.
- Why’d you let the bad people virus up my PC?
They paid me in in mint issues of Warriors of Plasm.
- Not liking the Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man- what the hell?
I like Ghostbusters but don’t live and die by it and even as far back as 1984 or whenever I was disappointed that the giant monster they chose to terrorize New York was a cutie. I simply must have giant creatures kicking asses of cities. It’s my birthright. Stay-Puft is cute, which was the point of the joke in Ghostbusters, but fuck it… I wanted The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms or something.
- Why do you hate awesome things?
Because I hate things that are just like me.
- Where do you see the site going in ’08?
Offline and exclusively onto 5.25 floppies.
- When the hell is the re-design? My holidays were ruined by broken promises of a shiny new CHUD.
Imagine how fucking pissed I am then.
- Any big changes in the works or just gonna keep on keeping on?
If I had my druthers, the evolution of this site would be more pronounced and experimental but I just don’t have the resources. That said, there’s a kickin’ KrakenHeads website being built that is utterly tentacular and the new Killing Swarm CD is done and will be available on Itunes, Emusic, Rhapsody, Amazon (it already is), and Napster. That’s kinda awesome. Most of the big changes I have cooking involve my little projects, though I envision this site getting a little fresh blood sometime soon.
- A question that may not have an answer you can provide: what’s the progress on 11 COLONELS?
I’m halfway through a page one rewrite that I love. We have new lead producers that will rock the socks and I’m now co-directing with Andrew Sweeney. All of this seems to indicate that we are still very much going to make this son of a bitch.
- Is your new secret project going to keep you from contributing all the
great articles (Leak/List of Dumb/Pants Bulge/etc) we’ve seen lately?
No. On the contrary. Once I’m officially at work on either ___________ __________, ____________, __________ ____ _____-______________, ___ ________ ______!, ___ _____________ or _____ _____ ____ ____ ____ _______ I’ll not feel so tied to the daily grind and will be better able to focus on the stuff I really enjoy doing, like those (and this) nutty articles.
- Why does my daddy drink so much?
To fight the urges to fuck you.
Today’s CHUD Fact
When Mandy Patinkin falls down he goes Kerplunket.
If CHUD.com Ran the Movies