Part 1
Part 2

Part 3

Part 4
Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

 

Previously on Blog Wars:

 

On a quiet night, as Jim cleans a bar stool with Lysol Multipurpose Cleaning Solution, Jodie Foster, wearing the skimpiest of skimpy dresses, stumbles into the bar, high as a kite.


She makes her way to Jim, doing her sexiest walk – and failing miserably- and says “I’ve done you before, haven’t I?”.  “Don’t you mean I’ve met you before?”, Jim responds.  “No, but that’ll do.  My friends are coming soon, so give us some wine!”, she says.

 

Jim helps Jodie Foster sit on a bar stool.  He pours wine in a glass cup.  She takes the cup from his hand and drinks the whole thing right away.

 

As Jim slowly takes the wine bottle away from Jodie, some costumers enter the bar.  Jodie turns around and with a big smile she yells “Honeys!”  Jim
looks at the costumers and realizes they are none other than John Wayne
Gacy, Lance Armstrong and the Jesus Clone, with what looks like a
recently shaved head, wearing a leather jacket.

 

Jim’s and the Jesus Clone’s eyes meet.  “How is it possible for one being to witness the end of the universe twice in a lifetime?”, Jim ponders.

 

And once again, self preservation kicks in.  Jim grabs the shotgun, pumps it, points it at the Jesus Clone and yells “Not again!”.

 

As the bullet exits the shotgun barrel…

 

***



The bullet exits the shotgun barrel and cracks Jesus Clone right in the face. J.C.C. tries to let out a scream, but suddenly…everything goes white.


We’re back in the same bar with John Wayne Gacy, Lance Armstrong and Jesus Christ. The bartender is a manly looking woman with a strong resemblance to Jodie Foster.


BARTENDER: I thought one of you guys was going to tell a joke.


JESUS CHRIST: You missed it.


BARTENDER: But, you didn’t say anything.


Jesus sneers at the bartender. He nods at John Wayne Gacy. Gacy then motions for Lance Armstrong to jump over the bar.


The bartender is frightened, as Armstrong grabs some rope. Gacy has grabbed a pool cue and breaks it over his knee.


The bartender looks over at Jesus.


BARTENDER: What are you going to do to me?


Jesus doesn’t answer, as Lance ties the Bartender’s hands behind her back. The bartender is bound, as she is thrown to the ground. Gacy and Lance throw the bound woman over the bar. She cracks her face on the ground hard, as Jesus spins around to face her.


BARTENDER: Are you going to rape me?


JESUS CHRIST: No.


Gacy walks over to the jukebox and drops a quarter into the slot. He selects D-4.


BARTENDER: Then, what are you going to do?


JESUS CHRIST: I’m going to crucify you…with my cock.


Jesus opens his robes and descends upon the woman. Journey blasts in the background, as the Son of Man plows the manly bartender.




FADE TO BLACK.



A Pato Hoffman story.

©PaHo Productions 2008