the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Message Board Discussion.
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
gets the books that The Sharper Image and Brookstone and Toys ‘R Us and
Adam & Eve send out, but there’s no really helpful holiday gift
guide for that special someone in your life if that special someone is
a horrible cunt.
This is that guide.
1. Latvian Ogre Flats For Sale!
It’s about time I found a good deal on what is called an "Ogre Flat" in the lovely European country of Latvia. Sadly, an Ogre Flat doesn’t refer to the home of an actual Ogre (though many dwell in Latvia) nor the footwear of choice for single female Ogres. It’s just an apartment that is spare but affordable and if you have a decorator’s eye (see picture to right), you can turn it into something special.
One of the cool things about the more obscure and less developed nations in the Slavic Empire is that the beasts of legend are still allowed to frolic free of government intervention and the relentless attacks of Slayers, Druids, and Warrior Popes. I hear the Centaurs are playful this time of year and there’s some sort of truce between the Minotaurs and the Golems whichs allows for safe passage through the Canyon of Infinite Infinities so us regular folks can still enjoy the Fountain of Forever and Fountain of Forever Gift Shoppe.
Still, I know what you folks are wondering.
"Why Nick, after being so adamant about not leaving your home in Georgia to pursue more assuredly lucrative work in Los Angeles are you so interested in Latvia?"
Two reasons: Because I have problems with reading comprehension and am a huge fan of Dr. Doom.
- Keeping a six-inch picture frame straightened on a twenty-five foot wall is thirsty work!
- Latvia has the highest per capita ratio of handjobs that lead to a liquid-free orgasm.
- Tourists who enter Latvia are lost.
- Every Novermber 5th, the citizens of Latvia all flush their toilets at once. Their economy is suction based, and November 5th is their way of sticking it to The Man.
- They have another way of sticking it to The Man and it involves the loins of 53 year-old Latvian war hero Thermo Mugnatious.
Don’t get me wrong. I like chinfucking someone as much as the next guy but as I get older I find it harder to keep my back from getting thrown out of whack from the unnatural motion created when you pulverize someone’s crotch with your jaw at a 52 degree angle for more than a few minutes.
Additionally, it’s very hard to shout "Yeah, that’s the business I’M in!" at the top of your lungs when you’re wearing a chin-strip weighed down by a hard, glow-in-the-dark cock.
Maybe I’m getting old or maybe I miss the old days when you could just furiously jackhammer someone’s region for hours on end with your own Kali-Given parts [fist, knees, heel, nose, even a penis™!] without thinking about work the next day or whether a marriage can sustain more than six visits the E.R. a week before an intervention must be staged.
The Accommodator™ is a boutique item. It’s not a M-F type of tool but if used in moderation on Sundays, it could be legendary. I must warn you; several times I have gone rock climbing and accidentally brought this along instead of my typical headgear and I found the experience to be no less exhilirating but a good bit less bouyant by the illusion of safety.
Such are the pitfalls of being a Rocksman and a Cocksman.
- Trivia: The forehead on that mannequin head is a replica of Robert Loggia’s.
- You know that the secondary support strap on the back of The Accommodator™ is the result of a previous version of the moutherfucking product having snapped, causing a pile-up that shant be forgotten.
- Do you think the company which sells those mannequin heads had any inclination what their product would be used for? Or, is it a case where all those department store sunglass and jewelry displays have been misusing them for all these years?
- I wonder they make a smaller version of this product for children, because Christmas is a few weeks away and I am stumped.
Somebody better Reborn this bitch Stat!
What’s uglier than a sleeping baby made to look like a sleeping undead son of a bitch baby bastard bitch?
If my wife unloaded "Conner" on my posterior at the hospital I’d spray paint the little asshole burgundy and kick him into the river. Looks like Dante Bichette had sex with Dante Bichette and the hump result got delivered by Dr. Michael J. Fox in between prescriptions.
You know the old saying "You can put the cute blue sweater on the genetic abomination but you can’t take the cute blue sweater out of the genetic abomination"?
Shit’s true. And I don’t like the ol’ "only buttoned at the top" style of wearing clothes on anyone that isn’t named Mike Muir.
The doll looks like someone made a life cast of Larry Drake taking a six-flush shit and downsized it to baby proportions and the positioning of the milk bottle brings home the hard truth that this is an item for children that you want to die in a weird postion on a cold night.
From the doll’s ad:
"Xavier Roberts, Peyo, and H.R. Giger bring you the must-own baby product of the winter…".
- DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT IF YOU HATE VOODOO AND HAVING FUNERALS FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
- I heard from a guy who knows a guy whose mother got one of these and was eaten by it. They found her in the toy’s stool. How fucked up is that? OMG!
- Any woman who has beaten life’s trials and entered Menopause really shouldn’t be out buying stuff like this, though. So, from a perspective the bitch had it coming.
- Does it bother any of you that this mechanical baby runs on milk batteries?
- Um, the toy’s eyes are closed and it looks like it’s passing Ron Silver. Why does it exist? Better yet, it explains a lot about Ron Silver’s lack of responding to the RSVP to my ArrivalCON ’08.
It’s good to know that George Lucas and my Childhood are in therapy and trying to work things out.
It was a stressful time for both of them, what with George having to deal with the incredible pressure of appeasing a fan base and my Childhood having to deal with the pressure of George’s stressed-out night ventures into its most warm and inviting pink brownhole.
Thankfully, a Galaxy Far, Far Away… is on the mend. A product has arrived free of the angst and fanboy dividing stigma associated with lesser items like the Mon Mothma Shampoo, Oola of Olay Hand Cream, Rancor Bites Lunchtime Snacks, and Hayden Christensen Closet Beef Trades.
"I sense a great disturbance… in my pants" is a t-shirt which amalgamates a saying from the fourth film and a hilarious watercooler term regarding the body’s frequent inability to contain its own juices and gaseous emissions. I find it hard to type as I roll on the floor laughing my ass off, but oh how I appreciate the long form!
Eagle-eyed students of the Star Wars canon will notice that the image on the clothing is of Sir Alec Guinness, a man who once played Obi-Wan Kenobi, a character made popular by Ewan McGregor.
- This will go great with my Boba Fartt denim jacket.
- First 1,000,000 men that purchase this item get a huge belly, the stink of smells, and their ass hanging out of their jeans for free.
- The Queen wasn’t around this weekend because she had to exhume Mr. Guinness and un-SIR his ass.