I made 300 because I love badasses and hate cats. And who exemplifies those two groups better than Spartans and Persians? (no, I WILL NOT bow to their wishes and call them Purrrsians!) Nobody, that’s who! Not even gangrene rear-ends and lolcats would suffice.

Before we can get to blood and gore and skid-marks of this film, we have to learn a little about who the Spartans were as people. The first thing you should know is that calling them “people” is kind of an insult. They are far too badass to share species with guys like Chris Farley and Oscar Wilde. Here’s what they do: whenever a little Spartan is about to be born, they line the mom’s vagina with thorns. If the little thorn cuts make the baby cry, then the baby is obviously wimpy, and they throw it away. Because of this harsh rule, they only get about four new Spartans a year. Those four are then sent to a training camp where, if more than half of them are alive by age two, all of them get killed. Anyone who passes that test is rewarded with one week of “mommy time” followed by ten years stranded in the middle of the Australian Outback. If any of them manage to find their way back to Sparta Mountain, they can finally be called a Spartan. In five thousand years, only 300 have survived this process. They each own a house made of gold in Badass City.

Now let’s learn about the Persians. Well for starters they don’t have the same birthing standards as the Spartans, so there’s like two or three THOUSAND of them. I’ll admit, letting everyone and their mother into the club has an interesting benefit: occasionally a mutant will show up. Like this one guy, Garfield. He’s real fat and hates Mondays, but it’s cool cause he’s got swords for hands. Then there’s other Frank (call him by his nickname: Heathcliff). He’s not too smart, but he’s tall and his bones are trying to stab him from the inside out! Sadly, that’s the only benefit I can think of. Everyone else is so ugly they’re either pierced to oblivion or forced to wear metal “drama” faces. They all like to do it with each other, and they all worship cats. The main cat is called Xanadu. He is totally awesome gayness. The rest of this movie is NOT. NOT!

The film’s plot is pretty simply. A Persian comes to tell the Spartans that they’re about to get fucked up and probably raped. Being the most rock hard Spartan of them all, this message is delivered to Young Mel Gibson.

“King Young Mel Gibson. Us Persians is coming for you Greek folk. Maybe you are strong Greek folk, but there are only three hundred of ya! We number in the ten-hundreds! We drink puddles dry (in the summer). Either let us kill you and rape your women, or we will kill you and rape your women!”

Young Mel Gibson thinks it over. “This…is…SPARTA!!!” he yells.

The messenger looks confused and handsome. “What does that mean?”

“It means THIS!!!” He stabs the messenger in the head with a handgun.

WARRRR!!! His 299 men hoot and holler cause they’ll finally be able to kill something other than raccoons and other Spartans. Plus, there’s the added bonus of dying in battle, which for them is like the best kind of suicide ever. Better than pills.

“Men!” he screams. “We number only 300! But keep in mind that we are SPARTANS! And 300 Spartans equals 1800 ABS!”

A foot-soldier speaks up. “But they outnumber us 10-to-1!” Young Mel Gibson crucifies him. “That makes us 299 and 1794 ABS!” His men cheer so loud that their throats tickle and some of them puke.

There is only one way into Spartan territory: a very narrow mountain pass. If the 299 Spartans (298–snakebite on the way there) can only keep their blood-lust up for a couple weeks or so, they can pick off the Persians one by one as they come through single file. Sounds pretty easy, right? Young Mel Gibson thought so too, so he decided against it. “Future Greeks might call us pussies if we do it that WAY! Let’s meet them on the other side of this too advantageously narrow PASSAGE! We’ll fight them on a ledge in the SHADE!!!”

Unbeknownst to the Spartans, there is a mutant tagging along on this endeavor. His name is Quasimodo, which is French for almost-but-not-quite-a-Modo. Q-mod is eager to kick some Persian ass to prove his Spartanness. See, his ma and pa should have thrown him away cause he’s obviously subpar, but they didn’t because they loved him too much. That there’s TWO Spartan strikes against Crooked Q. Nevertheless, he believes he can make it right by killing lots of Catlovers. Young Mel Gibson listens to his pitch and laughs his ass off. “Sorry, but I don’t think SO!!!” He throws him off a cliff and screams after: “This morning you brunch in HELL! Or maybe HEAVEN! I don’t know that much about you PERSONALLY!!!”

Before fighting can commence, another messenger from the Persians tries to smooth things over with the Spartans. His gluttony is disgusting. He makes his case while laying on a bed. His lips weigh more than Alyssa Milano, and his words are 10% sound and 90% spit. Yuck! They cut off his belly and send him back hungry. One of the Spartans tries to eat the belly and chokes. (297)

The rest of the movie is fighting, wave after wave with tougher/weirder enemies each time. NO it’s not like a video game! Shut up!

Wave #1 is a volley of arrows that blots out the sun. Spartans have shields. Spartans win. Except one guy. (296)

Wave #2 is regular bad guys. They have piercings but not much else. Spartans are Spartans. Spartans win. Except one guy. (295)

Wave #3 is a crew called The Immortals. They have this name because their dramatic metal masks have not yet been ruined by a million teenage tattoos. In between waves, the Spartans built a wall out of Wave #2 bodies. When Wave #3 creeps close, the Spartans push the wall over, causing a gory avalanche that kills two, maybe even three badguys. The immortals aren’t so tough once the Spartans learn to stab them in the neck by running across the screen right after their THIRD spear thrust. Easy once you learn the pattern. Except two guys. (293)

Wave #4 is a bunch of elephants. Spartans feed them peanuts. Now the Spartans have elephants to dine on! Three guys already ate their peanuts. Try to feed elephants bananas instead. (290)

Wave #5 is a mutant. Young Mel Gibson goes at him one-on-one. He wins. One Spartan heart can’t handle the suspense. (289)

Wave #6 is a parley. Xanadu meets Young Mel Gibson in his tent. “Listen,” he says. “I’ll give you a blowjob if you promise to stop fighting.”

“But I’m not GAYYY! How will I know if I like IT!?”

“Only one way to find out.”

Ten minutes later…”Nope, didn’t like IT!” And with that, he kills Xanadu. He goes back to his men and tells them the news. “Men, we’ve WON! I just killed their LEADER!” They all kind of mill around, disappointed. Lucky for them, Xanadu has eight lives left! The fight continues! One Spartan didn’t get the message in time and already went home. (288)

Wave #7 is the final wave. Having been killed once, Xanadu decides to knock off this wave shit and just go all in, blotting out the sun with arrows all the while. This works unsurprisingly well. (2)

Young Mel Gibson is stapled to the ground with arrows right next to his best friend, Slightly Older Mel Gibson. As the two slowly bleed out, they begin to question their Spartan beliefs.

YMG: “I miss my wife. My kid’s in Australia somewhere, probably getting raped by a poisonous snake right now.”

SOMG: “Manly camaraderie is no replacement for real love. I have never known warmth.”

YMG: “Nor I, good friend.”

They hold hands.

YMG: “Tonight, whether we dine in Heaven or HELL!!!, I will finally admit to being vegetarian.”

Slightly Older Mel Gibson’s eyes widen. “You too?!” Then his head is crushed with a war-hammer. Young Mel Gibson is next. As the executioner wipes off drops of blood, he finds one that looks suspiciously like a tear.

The Persians want to press on their campaign against the world, but cannot. There are only 300 of them left, and those odds have just been illustrated beyond all misinterpretation.

Young Mel Gibson walks through the gates of Heaven. There, he finds 296 arms waiting to hold him and listen to his tears. Good on him.

(three stars)