The Set Up.
Come one and all to the Steady Leak, my signature column that has been manhandled, prodded, and inserted into more nubile bodies than the Pope’s flaccid carpaccio. It’s been over a year since I did one of these Cloverfield monster-sized installments and my ball bag feels the absence. Though I’ve resumed my Rawheadesque leaking on you with Lists of Dumb and Sage Advice and Leak Letters and Shrinking Pants Bulges there’s still a selection of the readership that misses these all-encompassing mega-attacks and for those people I humbly say YOU ARE WELCOME.
The Steady Leak has risen from the ashes like the hamlet of Nagasaki [Note from Nick to Nick: You may have jumped the gun on that one sweetheart but I’m with you through thick and thin]. A lot of this will be like a warm blanket or like a slightly stinky blanket to an Indian who found arriving Colonials "kinda neat palefaces" before coughing and then dying. Some of these segments will feel fresh and new and inviting. Like a panda’s fluffy cub or a middle schooler who stumbled onto the set of Valkerie. Some of these will be boring, but go fuck yourself and keep your fucking negative JuJu away from me!
Ahem… this is a ton of stuff for your pitiful one hyperlink click. I think you ought to refresh this page about 1,000 times just so adviews skyrocket and I line my pockets with the cash of people like this guy over here with this ad on the other side of the cell bar over there ——–>
We should buy six of that product. Unless it’s that shitty movie there ———>
Wasn’t a movie ad? Refresh fifteen more times. It’ll show right there ——–>
Also, did any of this text create a text ad for you to enjoy exponentially? Oh, I hope an ad launched right in front of this text and a trailer is blaring in your face for that television show you want to avoid. Let me help with a paragraph surely to set us up with many more opportunities to rake in some cash with some nice text ads:
Spider-Man went on the Pirates of the Caribbean to look for XBOX games like Grand Theft Auto, Halo, and Singles in your Area but was only able to Sony his Levi Jeans for a minute before his Ford Taurus hit a Volvo, spilling Papa John’s Pizza all over his wife’s hairy bush<vagina. Doctor. Rodan. Sharpie. Izod. Permutations. The Secret of the Ooze. Hasidic. Douche Donuts. Abe Vigoda vs. Leon Isaac Kennedy. Puny. Jane’s Crazy Mixed-Up Salt. Jasmine Guy’s nightgown. Brylcream. Man At Arms. The veldt. Hardvark. Armadildo. Geriatricaraffe. Winocerous. Elephantasm. Scottweiler Weilandereimer.
Are you still glad this column is back? Then read on…
Who Dat? #1
Hint: I don’t think it’d be fair to give a hint.
Calm the Hell Down.
It’s not enough that The Golden Compass may have been neutered on its way to the silver screen…
Though I did get an email today from a P.R. person saying that:
Roger Friedman calls it “A visual knockout, extremely captivating and a sci-fi
The Guardian’s Peter Bradshaw writes, “If Darth Vader wore a blond wig,
a slinky dress and a dab of Chanel behind each ear, he could hardly be as evil
as Nicole Kidman, playing the gorgeous villainess Mrs Coulter in this
spectacular new movie…”.
It’s also not enough that one of the tenets of most religions is that you should be kind to others and respectful.
It’s also not enough that Philip Pullman’s very solid novels are works of fiction that have a strongly skeptical and wary look at religion and are not being merchandised in book stores in special sections that are accented in a manner to milk a particular, blindly loyal percentage of the book buying public. Aw, who am I kidding… the only group that competes with folks who buy stacks of religious books simply because they’re religious books are the ones who buy fantasy and science fiction books because they’re science fiction and fantasy books. You say tomatoclosemindedzealotwithproblems and I say tomatostinkyladyinpurplevelvet. Still, of all the dangerous things out there, the Catholic Church need not spend too much time attacking the film version of The Golden Compass because folks might be persuaded to go and buy the books thereafter and read material which they fear might lead them to believe that the religion might have chinks in the armor. That was NOT an Asian joke, but if you’re a fan of those, JUST YOU WAIT…
Who cares if it causes members of the Catholic faith to think outside the ornate, stained glass and 300 foot tall marble and jewel encrusted box? Chances are, the majority of them aren’t even going to put two and two together and the majority of the ones who do will get pissed at the book or realize that "Hey, it’s just a book. It’s not like it’s GOSPEL or anything…". It’s no more a threat than an episode of South Park or any other dose of reality that smacks us hard in the face. Ultimately, if a person is going to be a Good Catholic (and why should you want anyone BUT those people) they won’t fall prey to something as innocuous as this. Shit, if this article even comes close to causing a religious person to take pause, their minister/priest/shaman has done some piss poor work. It’s not my goal to do that. It’s my goal to point at silliness and laugh at its silly knickers.
How strong is a religion that fears what someone may interpret from a fantasy novel? It’s the Catholic Church. It’s endured much tougher scrutiny and opposition for centuries than a book about stinky witches and polar bears who don’t have the common decency to wear denim. Why can’t they leave it alone and take the spiritual high ground? Why are they using the heavily marketed and expensive and high profile movie as a way to platform against the book that has been out for ages? Oh wait. I answered that with the question.
Yes, I was born a Catholic. Yes, I went to a Catholic school. Yes, I hated the experience like a visit from the Skin, Bones, and Blood Fairy. I have a strong disdain for aspects of religion. I’m a VERY bad person. Sometimes I forget to wash my hands after I pee too…
It’s a book. And a movie. And a toy line. And a multi-platform game that will surely ring hollow. It’s not a threat, at least not one like the Muslims back in the day [and every day since, apparently]. It’s not a threat like the lawyers of a molested kid.
It’s small potatoes. Of course, I’m sort of a bad gauge for things of this nature. Some folks feel that the glass is half-full and others half-empty. I feel that the glass is halfling blown. They are a fine race, those Station Agents.
Seriously, though. GO READ THE ARTICLE. It’s a microcosm of everything that is wrong with Hollywood, wrong with what people with a platform choose to focus on, and how bad ass and open-minded Daniel Craig is. I’ll never understand the thinking behind some of this stuff but I also get a headache when I try to fathom any scenarios where the cosmos aren’t created by SOME GUY. My tiny intellect simply cannot handle it.
My Top Five Of 2007 Just Got Tossed a Curve Ball.
A quick perusal of my end of the year Top Fifteen List evokes some familiar possibilities like The Darjeeling Limited, The Mist, Into the Wild, Eastern Promises, No Country For Old Men, The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford, Gone Baby Gone, Hot Fuzz, Zodiak, Michael Clayton, Beowulf, 1408, American Gangster, Superbad, Knocked Up, The Bourne Ultimatum, and 300.
Keep in mind I haven’t seen Juno, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Grace is Gone, or D-War.
My top five list just got a curve ball in the form of Peter Bogdonavich’s amazing four hour Tom Petty documentary Runnin’ Down a Dream. After a brief theatrical bow, the film hit DVD last week and after picking it up at Best Buy (who apparently has a special version of the DVD you can’t get anywhere else) I made the mistake of putting it on at midnight on Tuesday expecting it to be good background entertainment while I worked.
Four hours later I got DICK done because I was engrossed in the movie. Though Carpal Tunnel was averted, my bladder hated me almost as much as my ass did. The movie was worth it, however. Though not as moving as many documentaries, it just flows with a grace that defies its running time. A really wonderful bit of musical cinema and something which had me on Itunes shortly thereafter picking up the discs missing from my collection.
Petty is a music legend, one of the sneakiest of all time. See this thing by hook or crook. Actually, see it only by hook. Illegal downloading is for doo-doo faces.
News Attack Regurgibirthed #1
me a hand. What’s more depressing, seeing everyone you love eaten by
insects or watching the nightly news? For me it depends on if the
insects are arboreal. To save you the heartache, I browsed the US news
section of CNN and ESPN for material and all I got was this lousy column. Here’s a quick rundown…
1. The Headline: Blood Clot Slows Tracy’s Rehab (link)
Take: This is NOT news. While it is common knowledge that one of the many tasks a blood clot has is to slow the rehabilitation of a human being or animal’s physical form the matter is compounded when you realize that recent years have brought about a 250% increase in rehabilitation slowness thanks to the Molasses in Men Act as reached by mass vote in the B.C.U.A. [Blood Clot Union of America, not to be confused with the Boyfaced Cruise’s United Artists, which shares the acronym]. Though there was a hidden anti-Gay Marriage Agenda on the docket at that particular session of the most esteemed Blots (what Blood Clots like to call themselves), the motion was passed and as a result the chances are slim that blood clots will do anything to give you a hand in regards to your own personal healing process. So, it’s not news. It would have been news if the headline was Blood Clot Turns Tracy into Owlbear or Tracy Punts Blood Clot Out of Apartment, Resumes Baseball Career. As it stands, I consider this news not news.
2. The Headline: Garbageman Who Pushes Co-Worker to Safety Killed (link)
Take: A trash collector saved a friend’s life by pushing him out of the way of a speeding car, only to be squashed into a pile of tears as a result. That’s a shame but what bothers me is twofold: Why were the garbage gentlemen spongebathing each other in a fifth floor bathtub at the time and who in their right mind wastes our precious oil reserves on driving after men who have to wake up at 4 in the morning? The morale of the story is also twofold: Don’t push your friends out of the way of vehicles and Soapy fist assists can kill you just as fast as the rear bumpins’.
3. The Headline: Police Issue Warrant in Deadly Fight (link)
Take: A man took the stairway to there’s probably no Heaven in a brawl outside some bar. He was pulverized by hands and feet until he was no more and the news article indicates that the police intend to pursue criminal charges on the killer of a guy. Oppression is no solution for the state of things and there’s probably some guy jaywalking or hacking into his cable box while this manslaughterer gets the 5.0 all up in his business. What is the world coming to? No word on whether the police will incarcerate the assailant this week or next. The allegedly guilty person, an employee of the firm Shadoloo identified as M. Bison of Serbia, could not be reached for comment.
4. The Headline: Civil War Cannonball Found in Waterway (link)
Take: An old somewhat fossilized cannonball from the Great War Between the Same Country (as its known by hobbyists) was discovered by workers doing work in a canal or some shit. Whoop-de-fucking doo. It’s a used ball. From a war assholes can’t put behind them. Get over it! Quit finding fucking balls, people. I got no time for people finding balls in waterways. It’d be news if they found my old tattered copy of Betsy Byars The Cybil War. I read the shit out of that book when I was a kid and you don’t see rednecks still talking about rising up against that do you?
5. The Headline: Man Dies After Boat Capsizes (link)
Take: Not news. Our land-based human bodies are built for life outside the water. When we are submerged for any extended period of time we, as the cosmeticians say, Give Up the Ghost. If a boat is inverted it loses full capability to proceed on the high seas with efficiency and a human being on the underwater side of that equation tends to perform less than admirably [even admirals]. When under duress, a person is forced to rise to the occasion to succeed but when under a boat, a person must rise to the surface or taste Poseidon’s one-eyed, one-pronged epidermal trident. It’s fucking huge and he ejaculates hard and in ten minute bursts even if a krill brushes against it. Don’t drown, TRUST ME. This would have been news if the man was submerged and realized that underewater breathing is a thing of the present. It’d be news if the boat suddenly became cap sized and he quickly put it in a bottle and corked it for his collection at home. As it stands the guy died, and it went exactly according to plan.
Who Dat? #2
Hint: I’ll give you a hint after we eat.
Hey You, Manga Kids!
I see you little jackasses crowding the aisles at my local bookstores. All the time. Sitting on the floor just drinking your coffee or taking a remote shit in the ladies room through the magic of BLUETOOTH, all the while flipping through the latest Japanatrocity like some postmodern squatter with a Sidekick.
I try and squeeze through, sometimes saying "Pardon Me" and every once in a while mixing in a "Comin’ Through Slanty Eyes" even though you’re of Slavic and French descent. I don’t have time to discern your facial features. I’m projecting my ignorance of your medium of choice through the stunted vernacular of the region. Even though there are more Asian-Americans in the Atlanta area than there are trees. Even though over half the people reading these tomes on the carpet wouldn’t even be able to point out Asia on a globe [Hint: It’s the one with the Ghidrah footprints]. In short, Asia was a fucked 70’s band and I don’t like people younger than me who don’t know who Clyde Drexler is/was/vagina>bush.
But this isn’t my "I hate Asians" rant is it? Asians are terrific and very oftentimes hot and wearing tiny schoolgirl uniforms. Also, they very rarely shave their pubic hair to the point where when I squint I think I’m watching a dubbed episode of Welcome Back Kotter. I know my culture. I know that every Asian boy is given the ability to Tiger Uppercut on his 7th birthday and that every teacher takes his students to an island to kill each other systematically. I know that they are more susceptible to some diseases than us Gaijins. Like Scrota Obscura Pixellatia, the pixelized infection of the crotch as well as the always annoying Tempura Tantrums. Let’s also not forget Americanization, which is very dis-Orienting to them.
But they are people just like you and I so stop writing mean things about them!
Anyhow, I think they should take their cute little backwards books to a couch to read them or just buy the damn things like the rest of us. This ain’t no library! It’s an overpriced retail outlet.
And Buy War Bonds.
Blowjobs For a Cure.
Holy Shit. Jenna Jameson is pissed at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I’m very much for the ethical treatment of animals and I tear up whenever I think of the two animals I’ve accidentally killed in my lifetime [stepped-on frog during a rainstorm flight of stairs climbing and the possible hit and run of a chipmunk while driving in morning fog, the memories still haunt me to this day].
I also bit the once healthy Old Yeller with my foamy, guilty rabies teeth.
I’m the pussest of the puss when it comes to animals. I’m the guy who found a Brown Recluse Spider in my home and caught it and drove it to the woods to let it go. I also apologize to my Beagle whenever I deliver a much deserved slap to the buttocks. When it comes to animals I am a soft motherfucker. I can’t even take my own pets to the vet for fear of seeing them in pain or god forbid… put to sleep. I saw a dog put to sleep on some Animal Doctor show and I couldn’t sleep because it bothered me so much. I lost my best friend/Doberman in the world’s history this year to a brain tumor and just today I got the news that my beloved cat Zeta has a cancerous tumor that will kill her in a short amount of time. I’m such a puss that I can’t even help her with the steroid injections she needs, so my wife has to administer them while I hum loudly in a different room.
That said, KFC’s Popcorn Chicken are amazing. I can even taste the poultry’s anguish in each delicious bite and still I don’t flinch.
The aformentioned spokesperson/clit hammerer/entrepreneur/cum swallower recorded a spot detailing the fowl injustice dealt to the feathered yummybirds, saying in no uncertain terms that Colonel Sanders ought to be tried as a war criminal. It makes me sad to know that a fast food chain is cutting corners. It’s the last thing I’d expect. Next thing you’ll tell me is that Hardees doesn’t use Black Angus cows in their patented FuckYourHeartToDeathburger.
PETA oftentimes does great work. Sometimes they get a little… out there. This particular issue probably needs a light shined on it but I’d be much more ready to hear the opinion of Jenna Jameson on the danger of AIDS spreading or the ruinous ramifications of bad plastic surgery or possibly on how a nice blowjob can cure The Mondays. Not this. As a male I can’t think of her in that way. It soils my previous soilings.
But this… fuck it. I’m gonna go grab a bucket of extra crispy and rub my dick around it.
Next chicken I see in public I’m gonna punch in the beak.
There’s a reason Mothers Against Drunk Driving doesn’t have Emo Phillips tell us whose kids not to smash into.
Who Dat? #3
Hint: I’ll buy you a tweed jacket while you think.
Leak Letters: The Renegade Edition
This is not your regular Leak Letters column. No, this is svelte. The following horde of missives, all positive in nature, are a selection of entries for the Stanley Kubrick Collection contest. In the contest I asked readers to discuss what this site means/has meant/bush>vagina to them over the years and I found the results to be quite touching. Seriously. Really nice to know that there are readers out there who appreciate the hard work done by all who have come and gone on this domain over the past nine years. As a result, I’m awarding each person on this letters column with a prize. Some aren’t great prizes but they’re free so go fuck your aunt in the butt if you’ve got a problem with it. One of them is gettin’ their Kubrick on… so enjoy the ride and remember, EVERYONE WHO READS CHUD.COM IS A WINNER.
CHUD is the only movie review site I read, other
than my own hometown paper’s. That’s because Chud is, in a lot of ways,
just like me – fiercely intelligent and obsessed with great art but with none
of the pretensions that mean only movies by people like, say, Kubrick are
represented. I may be immodestly praising you all, but take it as it’s
intended. There’s also this thing where I’m huge dork for horror movies
and other weird miscellania. Kubrick’s nicely representative of the site
in this way, too – no one doubts that he’s a classic filmmaker, or that he made
what would usually be thrown into the genre film trash heap, but I think most
film critics would dig themselves in deep explaining why Kubrick is quality and
It’s funny how a website can take on a personality, even seemingly separate
from its writers. When I started reading CHUD, Nick was just about the
only writer, no one in the business knew who you were, and Variety wasn’t
eating its monthly diet of humble pie from Devin. And Richard Dreyfuss
hadn’t punched anyone. Now you guys get some of the most fascinating
interviews (Ridley Scott, the Coen Brothers, and Neil Gaiman all in a month?),
yet you’re not afraid to trash their movies if they’re bad. Hell, I think
the last four films advertised in the top bar achieved a combined score of 2.8
from CHUD, and they still pay you for the privilege. The new guys are
bringing some good talent too, and showing their film school cred – I learned
from Jeremy what diegetic sound means, which is good for someone with such a
voracious desire for the new as I’ve got.
And that’s my absolute favorite experience with respect to CHUD – the discovery
of all sorts of lost or ignored gems (and stinkers like Decoys 2, which are
almost as valuable). I get caught up in your obsessions, too,
because they’re good ones – all the hype over Pan’s Labyrinth, which turned out
not to be hype at all with how goddamn good the film is, caught me up in a
personal renaissance of Guillermo del Toro’s movies. Likewise, I can’t
tell you how many great comic series and graphic novels I’ve picked up from
Thor’s column – I swear I almost sent a review of the Goon in to try out for
the writer auditions a while back, and then I got lazy. I miss the
frequent updates, as I’m also too lazy to go over to Rack Raids. Since I
wasn’t too lazy to pen this letter at 4:30 AM, and I’ve shown some love for my
favorite film site, you should send me some free shit.
Nick Replies: YOU WIN A LARGE LAND OF THE DEAD T-SHIRT! Thanks for the kind words. We pride outselves on integrity. There’s been hiccups where our credibility on such matters may be strained [I defend almost all though in retrospect I may have been too lenient in the whole AVP2 argument. It was a tough time and I know Shane Salerno well enough to be comfortable defending his honor], but day in and day out we bust our asses and deliver more interesting, creative, and unique content than any of our peers.
From March of 2003 until May of 2005 I served in
the Peace Corps in the country of Georgia, one of the former republics of the
Soviet Union. Though an amazing
experience, during my time there I rarely had electricity or running water, and
I nearly froze to death each winter. But, perhaps the most difficult time for
me was being almost completely cut off from films. Except for a black and white English to
Russian to Georgian dubbed version of Ang Lee’s Hulk that ran on TV my first
summer, and god forgive me for eating up every second of it, my movie life was
virtually non-existent. But every month
or so I’d get some internet access and one of the first places I’d go would be
to CHUD. I’d catch up on all the news
and movie reviews, keeping track of what films to catch up when I returned to
America. Point being, CHUD kept me
attached to the thing I love, providing me with a little slice of Americana and
my life was that much the better. It
meant each time I saw that CHUD banner pop up a little piece of homesickness
went by the way side. Since returning to
the states, I’ve remained a dedicated reader, devouring all the latest in the
world of cinema. So for then and now,
Nick Replies: YOU WIN AN XL UNOFFICIAL "A BEAR WILL SHIT YOU IN THE WOODS" GRIZZLY PARK T-SHIRT I HAD MADE WHILE ON SET, HOPE YOU’RE CHUBBY!
That’s amazing stuff and I am honestly in your debt that you used that precious time to visit this ol’ shanty. Thanks for hanging around and welcome back to the world of drive-through coffee shops and women who let you spit in the asshole.
I’ve been following CHUD ever since I started college in
2001 and it is, quite simply, the reason I am the fan of film and film making
that I am today. The writers of CHUD have been a revelation in terms of
criticism, film history, and outright passion that has been nothing short of
Your Heat DVD review spurred me to check out the film for
the first time and kickstarted my obsession with Michael Mann. And it really is
an obsession. Ask my friends. I talk about his stuff (Heat in particular) all
the time. I won’t shut up about it. I can’t imagine my life as a movie lover
without it and I might not have picked it up had your love for it not been as
infectious as it was.
My entire CHUD experience is like this. You guys are the
champions of great movies (be they underrated, overlooked or outright guilty
pleasures) and a great portion of how my film taste has evolved over the years
has been a direct result of constantly reading the amazing stuff consistently
put out by CHUD’s staff, Devin and Jeremy in particular. Who, by the way, have
also greatly influenced my own writing.
When I was writing for various small market newspapers, I
was also the go-to guy for movie reviews since no one else seemed interested in
doing it. Going back and reading those reviews again it is a bit surprising
just how much CHUD’s writers (Devin in particular) have influenced how I go about viewing,
analyzing and criticizing a movie.
CHUD has been essential to me. Irreplaceable, really.
I could go on and on, but given you only asked for a
paragraph or two I’ll refrain. Just know that my day isn’t complete without
checking the site for updates at least a half-dozen times.
Nick Replies: YOU WIN A LARGE RED G4TV T-SHIRT!
That you’ve been that impressed by the stuff this place has put out blows my drawers off, and I’m especially glad there’s another Michael Mann apologist out there (I totally forgot about THE HEAT REVIEW, I’d so play Midnight Run Solid). What typically happens is this: someone whose writing is influenced by this site eventually gets noticed and then immediately takes it for granted. Once you become a big wheel, don’t be a stranger around these parts. We need ‘ya.
I came to CHUD.com for the most selfish of
reasons: free passes; however, I can honestly say that I stayed for the
articles. I had been reading AintItCoolNews for quite a while, but was
getting tired of the fanboy reviews and inadequate information. Lo and
behold, I come across a site that loves the movies I love and has the same
asshole attitude about life. My favorite column, bar none, has always
been The Steady Leak.
While I lament it demise of its longer versions, I understand the time it took
to put out and I know that the time and energy needed for Meg was more
important. I get as excited as a little girl whenever I see something
with The Steady Leak name.
I am also a huge fan of Devin’s attacks against the nerdier elements of movie
fandom, eloquently stated during his conversations with the Browncoats and
other members of Whedon’s army. The best thing about his diatribes was
the fact that he was right and they were wrong. Stupid, mindless TV
watchers should never try to start a movement. It will inevitably
fail. I bet those same people probably loved Drive because of
Nathan Fillion. He is the reason I gave it a chance, but saying he was
the best part of the show is like saying, "At least the nut cancer only
took one of my balls."
More recently, I loved to come to the site to see the countdown of 100 Best
Kills. It led me back to some movies I had not watched in a while, as
well as sending me straight to Netflix for movies that I had never
seen. The commentary to go with the pictures, as well as the rating
system, was priceless and showed the creativity of the writers at CHUD.
Nick Replies: YOU WIN A LARGE SHAWN TEXAS/WILL MASON/11CA! "THAT AIN’T RIGHT!" T-SHIRT!
Thanks man, especially for the honesty. Most people who first visit here for free shit (aside from Cesar Montoya) don’t let it be known. How and why you come here ain’t the gravy. It’s why you stay. I appreciate that you do. Here’s your Leak. As for MEG... you won’t be seeing that movie happening any time soon, I assure you. If it does get made though… it’ll be a better movie than it would have been. I truly believe that, and there’s a very distinct chance I won’t be involved in a future version of MEG and I’m still saying that. My time away from CHUD is spent on a variety of things which I am making a point not to mention so that when some cocksucker in Hollywood decides to be dumb and/or fuck me in the new hole they created right next to my ass, it doesn’t ring like a hollow thud on this site where I’ve naively shared my experience with the readers, only to have the business stick a coat hanger in my nose and pull my shoes out through the nostril. Every day a little piece of me dies from the ludicrous decisions and ineffectiveness on the film business. I could go on and on…