BEAST

Quvenzhan√© Wallis has not only the best name since Mister Mxyzptlk, she’s also come out of the gates swinging with nominations, offers, and a very rare Onion retraction. She was the cutest thing on display at the Oscars last night with her energy and enthusiasm and lack of pretense. Now she’s starring in Will Smith, Jada Pinket-TalesfromtheCryptDemonKnight-Smith, and Jay-Z’s remake of Annie. She’ll be playing Annie, the pupil-less ginger urchin known for befriending bald people and dogs. Expect heavy makeup. Actually expect no makeup. Annie isn’t about color. It’s about class system politics, man. And songs involving the sun’s schedule.

Here’s hoping they wake a whole new audience up to great songs and don’t make it too shitty. It’s a shame Carol Burnett and Kathy Bates have already played orphanage bitch Mrs. Hannigan. It’s going to be tough to top them, though perhaps Sarah Jessica Parker could be a good choice. She was the understudy during the musical’s original run (I should know, I saw her perform in an early 80’s Broadway matinee) and it’d be a nice callback.

I hope the movie’s a success so my futuristic environmental robot remake can have a life. ANN-E, coming in 2019.