Frankenstein’s Monster. Dracula. Freddy Krueger. Leatherface. Godzilla. Henry Kissinger. These are some of the monsters whose names get evoked every year at Halloween, the monsters with the highest Q ratings and maybe their own personal publicists. But there are many more monsters out there, monsters who kill, terrorize and stalk their prey far outside of the limelight. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be paying tribute to these Forgotten Monsters of Filmland.
Some of these monsters are just a successful film away from making the mainstream. Some were more popular years ago and have fallen out of favor. Some are just sort of utterly bizarre. Some of these monsters will be familiar to the loyal readers of CHUD.com, while others will make just about everybody scratch their head. All of them deserve more love. That’s where we come in.
“Mmmm, Zorba’s Souvlaki Plus…”
Name: The Wolf
AKA: Lone Wolf. SILF lover.
Appearances:Lambert the Sheepish Lion (1952)
Monster Type: Jack Nicholson. Harvey Keitel.
Its Place in the Film: When a stork drops a newborn lion cub named Lambert into a flock of sheep instead of a herd of lions it belongs, he’s soon adopted by a lonely mother. But all’s not fine just yet- the poor little guy is teased and tormented by his sheepy peers for his differences. Perhaps realizing they would one day rise to a place of power and dominance in Black Sheep, they knock the little guy around, and it continues even when he grows older and bigger.
The main problem is that Lambert doesn’t stand up for himself, and he lets the other sheep butt him around. One night, a howling wolf sets upon his flock, looking for eats. The Wolf is a cunning creature and goes after one of the weakest members, Lambert’s surrogate mother. The big pussy with the gaping maw can’t do anything but hide his eyes from the horror about to take place, even as his mother screams his name in sheer terror, pleading for help. The Wolf licks his chops and drags her away from the flock, only to be thwarted in his meal by Lambert, who finally finds his balls and realizes he’s a huge killing machine, charging at the Wolf and knocking him off a cliff. But you can’t blame The Wolf for that. He probably didn’t even know what a fucking lion was.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Terrifying howl. Matted fur. Big, gnarly teeth. An overabundance of saliva. Loves Le Snack De Lupes.
Why It Is Forgotten: It’s from an old Disney cartoon, and was the scariest thing you ever saw, so frightening to your mind as a little kid that it was soon shoved into the back to protect you. At the end of the cartoon you thought you were safe, as the Wolf was stuck clinging to the side of a cliff. And, as the narrator so cruelly points out, the beast seemed destined to starve to death, trying in vain to alleviate his hunger with a handful of nearby berries.
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: It isn’t. The Wolf’s been sleeping, waiting patiently for you to reawaken it. It has been, all these many years. You remember the first time you saw this cartoon, whether it was on TV or on the VHS of Dumbo. The Wolf lies dormant in your brain, waiting for the moment to spring forth, casting those fucking berries away and claiming what’s been rightfully his. The Wolf is here, and he’s here for you.
AKA: Fettucini Algrosso. Annelida horribla. Hungry hungry helminths. Bloodthirstyworms.
I always knew letting Southerners have electricity would lead to trouble. When a high tension wire hits some soil, down home Georgia bloodworms get really feisty and really hungry. They chomp their way through the picaresque town of Fly Creek, multiplying into the millions before finally just fucking off and leaving everybody alone.
Why It Is Forgotten: Squirm is a movie that cannot live up to its awesome premise. Man eating worms? Why the fuck not! The monsters are pretty gross all on their own – would you like having a zillion worms dumped on you, even if they weren’t meat eating? But sadly the movie is junk, leaving it ripe only for Mystery Science Theater mockery.
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: I’ll say it again – man eating worms are fucking awesome! I first saw Squirm as a young boy, and a lifelong battle with hygiene was born during the scene where the girl turns on the shower only to have slimy worms slither out. Sure, it makes no sense from a plumbing point of view, but to this day I find myself looking at the shower head wondering what could be waiting within. Then there’s ol’ Wormface – a guy who gets worms chewing into his brain and seemingly controlling him to try and kill the hero and pad out the third act. Wormface and much of the other fairly decent FX were designed by a young Rick Baker, who probably wished he could have made at least one of the worms a gorilla. These elements harnessed to a movie with a plot (or even a reasonable ending) could have been sheer greatness.
- Devin Faraci