follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
Hope you dig:
The List of Dumb: 11/15/07
Me. I was so wrong about Beowulf. I was wrong about the quality of the human animations. I was wrong about the concept. I was wrong about the whole damn thing (though Crispin Glover still irritates the vas deferens outta me). It’s not only a damn good movie, it’s an upper tier fantasy film that rises above the potential gimmicks of motion-capture, 3-D, and Ray Winstone as a leading man in a blockbuster. Without anything held back I gotta recommend the living shit out of this movie. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was WAY wrong. Also, as funny as Superbad and Knocked Up are, there is no moment in cinema this year that destroyed me like the scene near the beginning with the sea serpent and the eye and the screaming of a name [when you see it you’ll know]. I was ruined for the next ten minutes. Don’t pre-judge this excellent and visually jaw-dropping film like I did. I’m right a lot of the time on this site, but when I’m wrong it’s usually a loud, Jenbenet flavored pratfall.
- YouTube For Gore Scenes. You want to see some notorious transformation sequence? Some great kill? A lame rubber monster? Don’t cheat, asshole! I’ve noticed more and more folks immediately heading to YouTube to see if there’s a clip on there from MOVIE X, so they can see NOTORIOUS SCENE X. Bullshit on you and your father’s face. Filmmakers worked hard to hide that scene until after you’ve punished yourself for 89 boring minutes. Those "money shots" are only rewarding if you do the time. Do the time, fuckers.
- The Comeback of Dana Plato. Dana Plato’s dead body wasn’t sent to an earthen tomb like many of us will. She was incinerated forever. The proof is in the pudding below:
I envision the incinerator operator flipping a coin whether to give the poor actress’s mortal remains to a family member or a friend. Her dad’s like "But that’s my daughter, I raised her and helped negotiate her Night Trap contract!" and the operator’s like "Tails, dude. You lose", before handing the urn to Stevie, some guy who once bought her Sbarro.
But sadly, her story doesn’t end there. It ends on IMDB where she is burning up the charts as one of their many inexplicable recipients of their totally benign and stupid "STARmeter" prowess. Basically it’s a list of the people who are getting useless clicks from dumb IMDB readers who don’t want to know about filmmakers but rather need to see the filmography of the person in the nude video a buddy sent, morbid post-fatal checkup, or to scope people they watch on lame popular television shows to see if they ever did soft core. Or Denzel Washington.
It’s the only way the big-eyed Asian chick from Lost, the very ashen and defeated Dana Plato, and Shalim Ortiz from lame-ass Heroes can be recognized as one entity. But only one of them has REALLY burned up the charts.
- Sweeney Boring. Is anyone else like me totally indifferent to Sweeney Todd, a film which should have been one of the most anticipated of the year? Seeing the trailer is like watching Tim Burton do the same damn thing again for the 11,000th time it seems. Hey look, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Nepotism are pale and in a gothic setting! It’s rare! I’ll admit, I’m very not a die-hard Tim Burton fan but the guy needs to change gears STAT.
- Movie Sites That Make Up News. If traffic is slowing down or if you want attention, try having good writing.
- Daily MySpace Fuckers. If you are pimping a movie, comic book, soundtrack you scored, a race you’re jogging in that needs support, or a line of Arab-flavored jewelry… do it once a week at the most. Not every day and certainly not twice a day, and really not three times a day. Fuck you, Mr. Four Times a Day MySpace Bulletin Board Poster. I hope your hamster climbs in you.
- Sirius Playboy Radio Listeners. Where the fuck’s the email, people? I’ve been doing the show every Friday for over a year and none of you guys pipe up via email telling me how great I am.
By the way:
"Why did Uncle lock me in the car?"