That’s cool, Sly. I don’t need you to be original or good anymore. I only love you and support you through thick [Copland, Rocky Balboa] and thin [D-Tox/The Outpost/Eye See You/Fuck an Audience, Avenging Angelo]. I only used to write you fan mail when I had Macchio hair and tight Yoda t-shirts. No fucking sweat. Go ahead and remake the quintessential Charles Bronson revenge flick. I mean, you did so well with the remake of the quintessential Michael Caine revenge flick. And the quintessential Estelle Getty revenge flick. Rub my nose in loyalty like a puppy in his preemie shits. I appreciate it and as a fan of film I am quite used to being insulted to within an inch of my substantial yet quivering intelligence.

Sure, star and direct a remake of Death Wish. I mean, who doesn’t need Braveheart in a Leather Jacket*?

Great power comes with great responsibility so what does thrice renewed almost modest power come with, a modicum of child-like supervision? Rocky Balboa was a hit and the new Rambo can’t be too bad as to scuttle all of that goodwill, so it’s wise to put together as many deals as possible, but a remake of Death Wish? Come on… it’s not sacred material in any stretch but it’s also become a template more than an entity on its own. In fact this very year had Kevin Bacon in Death Wish with a Bald and Jodie Foster in Death Wish with a Vulva. Couldn’t your pact with MGM as reported by Variety contained even a smidgen of freshness?

Death Wish is boring. You deserve better. Fucking I deserve better. Please don’t tell me that I paid to see Driven in a theater during peak hours for this.

I don’t believe in killing your idols but I feel like at least egging your house, Sly.

* I always get shit for calling Braveheart Death Wish in a Kilt. Turnabout is fair play. Oh and William Wallace is boring.