STUDIO: Sony Pictures
MSRP: $19.99
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 95 minutes
• Available Subtitles: English, French
• Available Audio Tracks: English
• Bonus Previews
• Digitally Mastered Audio and Video

The Pitch

“Fire is bad. Alicia Witt is good.”

The Humans

Alicia Witt, Matthew Settle, Talia Shire and the Scott Bakula

The Nutshell

When Reena was 11 years old, somebody torched her family’s pizzeria. Years pass and Reena has become an arson investigator that is obsessed with the primal force that took her innocence. She meets a local guy who could be the one, but he might be a serial arsonist. Will Reena find love in Baltimore with a flamer? Only John Waters knows.

Bo always waited for the right moment to whip out his Kuato. Sadly, this wasn’t that time.

The Lowdown

Blue Smoke is that special kind of bad that only exists in the lamest Harlequin novels and the worst soap operas. If you didn’t know from how they were trying to package the movie, you’d think it was a comedy. It plays upon the goofiest of clichés with the deadpan nature of Dr. Henry Kissinger. But, it’s got the Bakula and you have to cut it a break for that. Or should you?

Rena can’t find a guy to have sex without him being burned alive. Her fireman boyfriend get killed during a fire call. During her college years, the first guy she has sexy time explosion with burns to death right after their special night together. Then, she’s introduced to her new love Bo Goodnight. Bo is the kind of man that promises not to hurt his new fragile lady. Together, they’ll live amongst the flames and nothing shall ever touch them. That is if he isn’t the arsonist that has torched has been torching Rena’s neighborhood. It’s a lot for a girl to comprehend.

Damn it, woman! The show was saved by having a theme song with lyrics. The original show had lyrics, you just never got to hear them. BELIEVE ME! BELIEVE THE BAKULA!

The film also sports a strong supporting role from the Scott Bakula. The Bakula is a cult force that likes of which can only be combated by a Bruce Campbell or The Walken. He plays the local Fire Chief and he makes his best serious faces, as he tries to cover the fact that he’s counting the days until the production ended on this shit sandwich. Never have I been able to read an actor’s disgust with the material as clearly as it lay upon Bakula’s face. By the time, the film winds down to its obvious conclusion…Bakula seemed ecstatic. It’s a shame that a Lifetime movie had to break Dr. Sam Beckett’s spirit, it’s just not right.

By the time that I finished Blue Smoke, I couldn’t believe what I had seen. If you would’ve told me that Ed Wood rose from the grave and returned to life making Lifetime movies, I’d believe it. I’ve had a few people force me to watch Lifetime movies before, but if I knew that the level of suckitude that was shown in this film existed…I’d watch a lot more. That’s a special kind of bad that you can’t bottle. My hat is off to the filmmakers.

So, there I was with Pacino and Caan comes busting in the room. Brando said that Jimmy dropped some hard acid and was screaming about Phantom Tollbooths. Then, he saw poor Johnny Cazale. They saw that you can feed a big anything, but that day James Caan ate a man’s dignity…out of his asshole.

The Package

Blue Smoke is a quick repackage of a cheapie Nora Roberts television movie shot on the cheap for Lifetime. The DVD has no special features. It’s not like you were going to need a commentary to get inside the head of Alicia Witt’s character or her motivations to sleep with guys that catch fire easily. But, it looks great. That’s what is so weird to slam the DVD over. The technical aspects are top notch with the transfer sporting no signs of haze or edge enhancement. The Dolby Digital 5.1 track sports decent sound design for a television movie, especially during the fire scenes. All of the crackles and pop play well into the channels and you get the sense of a realized fire.

I don’t expect a ton of the readers to pick this DVD up. But, it’s nice to have some variation on here. Not everything can be zombies, tits and chimps. If for some reason one of you people buys this from the Amazon link, I’d like to leave you with a little tidbit. This film is the stuff of which drinking games are made. By the fourth fire, you’ll be on the verge of alcohol poisoning. That is my promise to you.

Don’t make a scrunchface at me. I didn’t write this shit, save your facial scorn for Nora Roberts.

3.0 out of 10