Frankenstein’s
Monster. Dracula. Freddy Krueger. Leatherface. Godzilla. Henry
Kissinger. These are some of the monsters whose names get evoked every
year at Halloween, the monsters with the highest Q ratings and maybe
their own personal publicists. But there are many more monsters out
there, monsters who kill, terrorize and stalk their prey far outside of
the limelight. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be paying tribute
to these Forgotten Monsters of Filmland.
Some
of these monsters are just a successful film away from making the
mainstream. Some were more popular years ago and have fallen out of
favor. Some are just sort of utterly bizarre. Some of these monsters
will be familiar to the loyal readers of CHUD.com, while others will
make just about everybody scratch their head. All of them deserve more
love. That’s where we come in.
“The LLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOVVVE BOAT! Soon we’ll be making another run.”
Name: Humanoid of the Deep, Jr.
AKA: The Living C-Section, Stands With a Fist, Bloodman Crothers.
First Appearance: Humanoids from the Deep (1980)
Monster Type: Amphibian Rape Byproduct.
Its Place in the Film: As is often the case in brilliant, Oscar-snubbed horror films, this splendid Roger Corman joint ends with a bloody creature birth sequence. This little tyke emerges with an agenda that involves screaming and eating, making a lite snack of the stomach and belly housing him, and most likely growing up fast on a diet of flesh and forced sex. It’s a rude way to treat a surrogate mom, but there’s no doubt there was some protein to be had and who am I to discourage the youth of America? Born of one of many of the Humanoid from the Deep rapes that make this movie possibly the best of the “Rape Beast” subgenre (narrowly edging Galaxy of Terror, The Beast Within, and Finding Forrester), the little gentleman is a prime example of the term “Matinee Idol”. You see, the plot of the film involves chemically mutated fish men emerging from the surf to eat men and bang women. Only Doug McClure stands in their way. Translation: Rape Happens. Humanoids of the Jr. and Sr. variety are up to the task.
Distinguishing Characteristics: [Junior Humanoid] Wet, bloody, pissed, and most likely filled with man hand. [Senior Humanoid] Large, wet, mossy, and with a throbbing amphibian erection ready to lay a tapping on an unsuspecting beach babe. Dollars to doughnuts they have a barbed penis to add injury to insult.
Why It Is Forgotten: Because when people think of humanoids from The Deep they typically gravitate towards Nick Nolte and Jaqueline Bissett. Because while this film is a staple on late-night television, people often confuse the bloated beach rape scenes with similar moments from I Love Trouble and Rooster Cogburn. I blame it more on the surplus of beachrape movies than any fault of Roger Corman’s filmmaking team [including James Horner, Rob Bottin, and Gale Anne Hurd]. I guess you can have too much of a good thing.
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: Because just when you forget the wet, air-breathing rape amphibian it emerges from the depths, breathes air, and rapes the shit out of you.
“Hey baby, wanna touch my medulla oblongata?”
Name:Rachel Creed
AKA: Tasha YARRRGGHHH!!!
First Appearance: Pet Sematary (1989)
Monster Type:Micmac paddywhacked
Its Place in the Film:Dumb Louis Creed. He stumbles on a pet cemetary that brings things back to life, but when he buries his recently dead son there, the kid wakes up with a serious case of the Chuckies. Little terror Gage kills not only Herman Munster, but his own mom. Unwilling to listen to common sense (or the ghost of a dead jogger who keeps showing up), Louis buries his wife in that same cemetary. The results are sorta predictable.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Large section of face missing. Dirty. Green ooze coming from eye socket. Tits look great in a Starfleet uniform.
Why It Is Forgotten: Pet Sematary is sort of forgotten altogether, which is too bad as it’s one of the better Stephen King movies (and it has a cool Ramones theme song! How different would the world be today if Joey had WANTED to be buried in a pet sematary?). And even for people who like this picture, Rachel’s final moments can be overshadowed by monsters like Zelda, the only monster in cinematic history whose evil origin is spinal meningitis, Gage, the impeccably groomed undead moppet and Fred Gwynne’s Maine accent.
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: The annals of film contain many gruesome, horrifying zombie moments. But few are as deeply stomach churning as watching Louis Creed tongue wrestle with his dead wife as her eyeball goo oozes right INTO HIS MOUTH. Ugh.