Frankenstein’s Monster. Dracula. Freddy Krueger. Leatherface. Godzilla.
Henry Kissinger. These are some of the monsters whose names get evoked
every year at Halloween, the monsters with the highest Q ratings and
maybe their own personal publicists. But there are many more monsters
out there, monsters who kill, terrorize and stalk their prey far
outside of the limelight. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be
paying tribute to these Forgotten Monsters of Filmland.
Some of these monsters are just a successful film away from making the
mainstream. Some were more popular years ago and have fallen out of
favor. Some are just sort of utterly bizarre. Some of these monsters
will be familiar to the loyal readers of CHUD.com, while others will
make just about everybody scratch their head. All of them deserve more
love. That’s where we come in.
Warning: Objects in the mirror are WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING OBJECT?
AKA: Roadside Attraction. Ol’ What’s His Name. Nature’s Worst Friend.
First Appearance: Xtro (1982)
Monster Type: Intergalactic Yoga Instructor.
Its Place in the Film: The film begins with a couple enjoying a nice drive down a country road, a voyage which ends in them encountering the titular alien character on the side of the road. It goes poorly for them, though nothing in their turmoil filled days competes with the fleeting shot of the bendy-legged beastie waiting patiently on the side of the road. Freaked my nuts off as a kid of 11 years old. Freaks my nuts off as a man of 35. I showed it to an elderly gentleman and his nuts exited stage right. This is a nutsending freakbastard.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Looks like a piece of lawn furniture made from rotted meat. Ass area is a total nightmare. Perpetually confused alien face. Basically all of the worst parts of the Bible come to life.
Why It Is Forgotten: Because even though it spawned two pretty much unknown and hated sequels, Xtro is hardly a franchise. Also, the aspect of the film most people remember involves a woman giving birth to a full-grown man (it’s not as sexy as it sounds). This little creation has about five immortal and brilliant seconds of screen time all told. Lives changed in those seconds.
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: Because we should all be Xtroverts.
Name: The Shunting
AKA: Full Disclosure. Syphilis.
First Appearance: Society (1989)
Its Place in the Film: After suspecting that something wicked and weird was
going on in Beverly Hills – his sister and parents seem to be into shreiking orgy
sex and a geeky but well-informed friend ends up dead – Billy Warlock gets invited to
the society party of the year. There he learns that the rich aren’t just
assholes with big cars; they’re assholes with a different genetic code. Billy
and his supposedly dead friend are on the menu as a mansion full of well-bred naked
folk melt into taffy and suck each other’s juices. Cue a fist-fucking,
eye-eating festival of such tantalizing depravity that people have been trying
to get plastic surgeons to duplicate the look of the shunting ever since.
Characteristics: Stretchy. Sticky. Gelled. Inside-out.
Features a direct path from anus to throat. Might make you look at mom
differently. Breast-feeding will still seem the same.
Why It Is Forgotten: There are
some things that just shouldn’t be seen; the sight of Billy’s dad with his head
protruding from his ass was enough for almost
everyone who saw it to seek out a chemical solution for forgetting the sight.
That’s right, rufinol was popularized by Society.
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: You
won’t see more latex, wife-beaters and naked old thighs without going to Fruit
Of The Loom’s annual shareholders’ getaway in the Caribbean. Screaming Mad
George outdid himself for Brian Yuzna’s directorial debut, and even the most hardened
horror fan should get a little squeamish at the sight of the shunting. As a
bonus, I’ve heard that just intoning this event’s name to the right people will
get you into speakeasies and Masonic clubs in Pennsylvania and Idaho.