Name of this Film
Gross (Weekend)
Per Screen
Gross (Lifetime Channel)
The Game Plan $16,262,000 (-29.1%) $5,237 $42,811,000
The Heartbreak Kid $14,031,000 $4,345 $14,031,000
The Kingdom $9,345,000 (-45.5%) $3,335 $31,368,000
Resident Evil: Extinction $4,300,000 (-46.5%) $1,509 $43,474,000
The Seeker: The Bile Is Rising $3,725,000 $1,185 $3,725,000
Good Luck Chuck $3,500,000 (-43.9%) $1,413 $29,098,000
Feel the Noise (girls, feel free to Rock the Boys)
$3,400,000 $3,349 $3,400,000
3:10 to Yuma $3,040,000 (-27.8%) $1,186 $48,553,000
The Brave One $2,260,000 (-39.2%) $958 $34,319,000
Mr. Woodcock $2,025,000 (-31.3%) $1,038 $22,307,000

Survey says? Ouch. With all new titles, as an old coworker once said, well, they’re like babies. And no one wants to call a baby ugly. But, oh, this week delivered nothing but ugly babies. Quick question: Which was more degrading to Susan Sarandon? Getting sodomized in Mr. Woodcock or tap dancing in Elizabethtown?

The Heartbreak Kid starred Ben Stiller, who has been on a run since ’04 (Envy not included), with even Starsky and Hutch and Along Came Polly doing nearly ninety. That the picture couldn’t beat a formula Disney comedy in its second week is very sad. For your momma! If your momma is named Bobby or Peter Farrelly. Zoolander did $45 million, but it also came out when people could conceivably have been called comatic post-9/11. Heartbreak Kid should do Zoolander numbers. But though Stiller was front and center, people are still going to want to be in the Stiller business. This in no way would effect the Night at the Museum sequel, for instance, or Stiller’s quote. Like I said before, the Farrellys take the hit.

The Seeker? More like The Reeker! Feel the Noise? How about Enjoy the Silence! Mr. Woodcock? How about Mr. Cockblocked! 3:10 to Yuma? How about Ancillaries to Profitable! The Brave One? How about… let me think about that one. Good Luck Chuck? How about You Suck… something. The Kingdom? More like The Stinkdom! Yeah. Taste it. Ugh. (Cue "That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore." Accidentally play "How Soon is Now" instead. Go home sad)

Hey Alexander Ludwig? You know how they signed you to a multi-picture deal cause this is supposed to be the start of a five film cycle? I’d not expect that call. Anytime soon. And by not soon I mean not ever. Maybe in a couple years you and the Eragon guy can find work in porn.

The Game Plan was likely cheap, so it’s on it’s way to making some coin, and the same could be said of Resident Evil 3, so it’s not all Losertown (which is about a mile and a half south of Funkytown, and two and a half miles east of Lumbertown). Will RE3 lift Russell Mulcahy out of the DTV ghetto? Sadly, he’s doing a Scorpion King prequel (or sequel… one way or the other), and a film called Zen in the Art of Slaying Vampires (hey, I may not be King Gramarian*, but shouldn’t it be Zen in the Art of Vampire Slaying? I’m willing to leave the in/and thing aside, but that’s the joke, right?) And The Kingdom didn’t drop more than 50%, so that’s something to be happy about, right?

Next week brings Elizabeth 2: The Elizabethier (my promise to you good readers, never a Breakin’ 2 joke shall pass), Michael Clayton on a shitload of screens, We Own The Night and Tyler Perry’s latest.

*So, I did return the wayward daughter of King Osric to her home. But having no further concern, my companions and I sought adventure in the West. Many wars and feuds did I fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon my name and, in time, I became a king by my own hand…