Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Installment Three.
Installment Four.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
1. Shut Your Goddamn Mouth.
As I type this I’m sitting at a coffee shop where a lady is making the calls for her sales job at the table next to me. Loudly. Her phone’s ringer is a soundbyte from when the asteroid killed the dinosaurs and her job is as saleslady for a religious conference geared towards empowering the spirit of women. Empowering the spirit is fucking overrated as dick, give me a few moments alone with a woman and a much better looking guy and I can bet you you I’ll be outside the room listening to them fuck in ten minutes. It’s why this tape was invented. Emblazened with the motto "SHUT UP", this product from Charles and Marie is a perfect way to subtley say what needs to be said.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Make sure to leave a breathing hole for your tape victims.
- Fucking hole. Optional.
- You’ll get beat up if you actually use this on someone.
- Except a baby. This tape is perfect for defenseless babies.
2. Call it a Meatloaf. It won’t be offended.I admit that this, the latest in a long line of Griffin Dunne action figures, looks a little more like Sly Stallone than the star of After Hours, but it doesn’t matter as long as that one little piece of dangling skin is replicated. Sota Toys has a little two-pack of An American Werewolf in London toys coming in December and I find it hard not to want them, since the film is one of the best ever and the wolf design and Dunne’s Jack character have held up so well in no small part thanks to the genius of Rick Baker. I have a few older toys from the flick but to have a Jack toy is too perfect.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- "Griffin Done" – Hollywood agent and Friend of Ryan O’Neal after seeing The Wraith.
- No word on a response from Sota Toys in regards to my life-sized and anatomically correct [AKA fuckable] circa 1981 Jenny Agutter figure.
- This movie was made before a major catastrophe changed the way America lives and that catastrophe is CGI werewolves.
- I’m sure there’s a convention where the "a naked American man stole my balloons" boy signs autographs for nine quid. He has to be bald and fat and stinking like a car crash now, right?
- This film featured the best usage of John Fogerty until I used his flesh to seal a crack in my roofing last winter.
3. BetterthanBuffyBox.It’s probably too late to create much venom by screaming out to the Whedonverse that Angel kicks Buffy‘s ass as a television series because more likely a lot of those people have moved on to worshipping stuff like Lost or that dogshit Heroes show. It’s not really a new argument anyhow but with folks reading Whedon’s recent sequel comic there still might be a little fire in the substantial bellies of the fandom.
I like Buffy as well, so it’s not like I’m a Whedonheathen. Buffy‘s a great show, though it delved into "cute" more often than I cared. I just happened to glean more to the more mature Boreanz-centric show and this box set is a glorious tribute to a wonderful series.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Vampires are pretty much boring and dumb.
- James Marsters is surprisingly 92 years old.
- Each box comes with a personal apology from Charisma Carpenter’s hairdresser from Season Four.
- The idea of a crime-fighting vampire isn’t new. Detective Munch.
4. Die of Dysentery ALL THE TIME!The Oregon Trail was a game of extraordinary magnitude (this sums it up nicely) and a rare usage of education and video gaming where one didn’t fuck the other in the screamhole. It was actually better than the REAL Oregon Trail. So, imagine my pleasure to see a retro t-shirt with actual value, replicating the hilarious often happening "dystentery death" line. I think if there ever was an icon for dying from the disease, a monochromatic horse/oxen/Divine and carriage is an ideal one. I mean, you’d have to laugh a little if you were dying of dystentery having played the game.
"Fucking Figures!" – Last words before Death Rattle.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- This game would have been useful back in the 1700’s.
- The Oregon Trail and Custer’s Revenge are the two best video game teaching aids for children regarding Colonial America.
- This shirt not quite as popular of the "You have died of A.I.D.S." shirt.
- This shirt must be installed with thirty 5.25 floppy disks.