Time is precious to me, so when I’m not eating salty meats or daydreaming about Bea Arthur, I like to do something constructive. Like spend hours upon hours channel surfing. According to my digital television guide, I have about a thousand different stations to choose from. So, the other night I decided to broaden my horizons and venture out into the vast world of programmable television.
I didn’t get very far.
I spotted something called TLC on my guide and immediately thought, “Wow, that hip-hop group from the 90’s has their own network? Sweet!” Imagine my surprise when I turned it on and didn’t see or hear any music videos. All I saw was crappy reality-based shows that left me bored, disgusted and cowering in the corner of my bathroom. It felt like I was watching MTV. I guess that’s what I get for chasing waterfalls.
No, TLC actually stands for “The Learning Channel.” Since I’m all about learnin’ and whatnot, I figured I would watch for a little while, to, you know, learn some stuff. Here’s a sampling of what I learned from watching TLC:
From my limited, drunken observations, it looks like there are two shows that anchor TLC’s prime-time line-up. As far as I can tell, these shows are Little People, Big World and Jon & Kate Plus 8 . There are other infuriating shows on the network, like What Not To Wear and Trading Spaces, but I didn’t watch these because, you know, I have testicles (no matter what my girlfriend says).
Little People, Big World chronicles the insanely boring lives of a dwarf couple and their four children (which include a set of twins). I guess the interesting point is that one of the twins is normal height and the other is a dwarf. Anyway, beyond the obvious size differences, there really isn’t anything groundbreaking or special about the show. Have you ever wanted to watch a dwarf balance a checkbook? Well fuck me, now you can! Have you ever wanted to watch a dwarf do math homework? Well tickle my taint, now you can! I actually had more fun yanking a catheter out of my dick than watching this show. But, I have to admit, whenever I’m not fantasizing about Bea Arthur licking cream cheese off my pert nipples, I’m often pondering how in the hell dwarfs open their mail. Well, Little People, Big World makes the startling discovery that they open their mail just like anybody else. With an envelope opener! So, I guess little people are just like us! Thank you TLC! I guess I’m gonna have to stop pinching the cheeks of every dwarf I come across now. It won’t be easy though, since they’re so goddamn adorable!
Then there’s the biological horrors of Jon & Kate Plus 8. This unholy monstrosity chronicles the insanely boring lives of two beaten-down parents with bad haircuts and their fertility-treatment-hatched brood of eight children. Maybe it’s just me, but women aren’t supposed to give birth to six kids at once, right? I’m just speculating here, but I’m guessing Kate’s private parts must have the elasticity of a chewed-up wad of salt-water taffy.
Quite often these two poor saps have glazed, narcoleptic expressions plastered on their faces. I get the same way whenever somebody starts talking to me about politics or the band Coldplay. Also, these two lovebirds frequently snap at each other and their army of brats. Honestly, I can’t blame their lack of patience, since I would have fellated my Toyota’s tailpipe the second one of these eight infernal booger machines crapped their pants. This is how I know that I will make a great Dad someday.
Anyway, I do applaud their tenacity with the procreation process, which is especially noteworthy since they’re not Catholic. I also applaud Kate’s uterus, which must be as wide and cavernous as my neighborhood Costco store. I don’t envy her insides though, since I can imagine that they are as beaten and bruised as my old Dodge Pickup truck. And that piece of shit looked like it had been kicked by a donkey a couple hundred times.
While these two shows highlight TLC’s sickening concept of quality television; their one-off specials really churn my guts. One time I made the horrendous mistake of eating a bologna sandwich while casually watching one of these specials. Seconds later, I nearly regurgitated the sweet meat when I saw a midget with an 80 pound tumor hanging off his ass. This was followed by a fat guy with a huge tumor. Then an old woman with a huge tumor. And when I say huge, I mean big ‘ole nasty tumors the size of sea cows.
The “Tumor” show is just one of many nausea-induced, reality-based programs that TLC feels the need to showcase. Who could forget the show about the huge fat guy who couldn’t roll out of bed? Or the middle-aged man who looked pre-pubescent and had some weird disease that caused his skin to slough off? Or how about the conjoined twin teenage girls whose spines were fused together? And the one profiling kids with severe cleft palates and harelips that made me upchuck my pork rinds. Apparently, somebody at TLC raided Maury Povich’s guest list and decided to build a network around them.
So, I basically learned that a significant portion of TLC’s schedule revolves around the exploitation of circus freaks and social misfits. On top of this, the channel seems obsessed with airing the sad lives of biological experiment escapees.
I think I need to cancel my cable subscription.