The Film: Santa With Muscles

The Principles: John Murlowski (director), Hulk Hogan, Don Stark, Mila Kunis, Clint Howard, Ed Begley, Jr, Beelzebub

The Premise: Hulk Hogan plays head-of-hair Blake, a billionaire who got rich selling body-building supplements to the guy who grunts really hard and clearly does roids whenever you try to go to the gym. Blake runs from the cops after some mild reckless driving and then bangs his head and starts thinking he’s Santa Claus. Then some orphans happen and it ends. My therapist has assured me it ended.

Is it any good? No it’s fucking not. Next question.

Is it worth a look? It really says something when, on a year when a Hulk Hogan sex tape gets unleashed on the Earth, Santa With Muscles is still the worst thing he’s ever flung at unsuspecting eyes. He’s awful, Don Stark is awful, young Mila Kunis is awful and Ed Begley Jr. actually set his environmental crusade back a good twenty years with this tripe. Here’s a clip:

Whole movie’s like that. Wait, that actually is the whole movie.

Santa With Muscles isn’t anti-Christmas in the sense that it hates Christmas; just that its relationship with the beloved holiday is not dissimilar to the relationship between matter and anti-matter. It’s the black nothingness that divides the atoms of a mistletoe into oblivion. I literally need a physics professor to sit down and explain how bad this is to you and even then there’s not enough blackboard on the Earth that would sustain the equations necessary to convey what a terrible experience this was for me. After I watched I got a phone call from a girl whispering “Seven Days.” And I just vomited red and green sugar cookies I hadn’t eaten.

Random Anecdotes: CHUD contributor and all-around solid dude Mike Flynn asked if I’d fill in for him and do today’s MOD. This led to a series of events introducing me to Santa With Muscles. So basically “Fuck you, Mike,” is what I’m trying to say. I’m going to tattoo every single frame of this movie to the inside of your eyelids one by one*.

Cinematic Soulmates: The Seventh Seal.

*I may or may not be joking. Mike’s a good guy and only a frame or two will suffice.