to Mark Waters and New Line: if you adopt the above title in favor of the banal Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, I will henceforth shower this production with ceaselessly positive coverage. Every casting choice and every shred of media (both official and "leaked") will be greeted as if it were the cure for dead. In short, I will be your Louella Parsons, and this film will be my Marion Davies.

I don’t even care if Matthew McConaughey’s protagonist isn’t named Ebenezer. Actually, judging from the premise, which has McConaughey’s bachelor being "visited by the apparitions of girlfriends past, present and future while attending the wedding of his younger brother", you might as well call the guy Ted, since most guys in their forties don’t typically leave a trail of expired ex-conquests unless they’re personally seeing to the expiring. If I had a voice in the development of the script, I’d totally implement this twist – even though it would completely curdle the "romantic" and "comedy" elements, and generally turn off the film’s intended female audience. This might be a commercial no-no, but it’s like August Strindberg used to say: "Fuck ‘dem hos if they can’t take a joke."

There’s news here, and it has to do with the back-on-the-radar Jennifer Garner being cast opposite McConaughey – which, in all seriousness, is a plus, since Mrs. Affleck is a very gifted comedienne (I may or may not own a copy of 13 Going on 30). Garner will play McConaughey’s childhood sweetheart, whom he still loves despite the fact that she’s been a-moldering under a pig for twenty years.

My, this took a dark turn. Sorry ’bout that. Just incorporate the new title and ignore the rest. I’ll just… deal with it.