the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.

Installment One.
Message Board Discussion.

day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn. Today, the target is upcoming or recent toys, DVDs, or lit.

http://chud.com/nextraimages/bulgesly.jpg1. The Toy Which Hates Dennehey.

I don’t know about you, but I simply don’t have enough likenesses of Sly Stallone in my home. Especially ones with clothing made from actual cloth. Sideshow Toys knows my pain and have come through in spades with a Most Excellent Effigy (M.E.E.) of the legendary actor as deodorant hating war vet John J. Rambo. You may remember Rambo from First Blood where he impaled David Caruso and created a sound byte for Golden Axe. Or, you may remember him for arrowing a man out of his boots in the sequel. Or you may remember him as he made pals with Al Quaeda in the threequel. Or, you may have watched him deliver more grue than efukt.com in the internet only sizzle reel for the fourthquel. Either way, a small Rambo in your home is a lot better and more aromatic than the real one.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • The J. in John J. Rambo stands for Jump Back Or I’ll Create a Trap Which Kills’Ya.

  • They used the same mold from the Sideshow Toys exclusive Oscar toy line.

  • Buy two boxes of Rambo figures and you get a special variant which is cursed by a Warlock. In the night, this figure fashions makeshift tiger traps out of Q-Tips to impale you and the ones you love.

  • These toys are 15% taller than the real Stallone.

  • If this figure sells like the hotcakes Sideshow thinks it will, they promise fans they’ll re-issue the Richard Crenna resin bust that is no longer in print.

  • Also no longer in print: Richard Crenna.


http://chud.com/nextraimages/dvdmost.jpg2. The Most Fuckin’ Dangerous DVD

This film is older than shit! Shot around the same time as the original King Kong and starring ape boner bringer Fay Wray and featuring some of the same sets, this is one of those oft-referenced films that made possible such masterpieces as Hard Target, Surviving the Game, and Klute*. It’s a short movie, and there’s already been a Criterion release of it, but this is a nice fresh and inexpensive way to ingest a great little movie that at the time had to be toned down because of disturbing imagery. Nowadays you’ll see worse shit on Nickelodeon, but it’s still a must-own film and the latest of the Ray Harryhausen approved colorizations to hit DVD.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • The most dangerous game is actually Don’t Break the Ice.

  • Fay Wray’s last film role was in the late 50’s but she was rumored to have done one last posthumous performance in the Orga suit in Godzilla 2000.

  • Other films which re-used old King Kong sets: Caligula. Heartbeeps. Pretty in Pink.

  • The character Kate Winslet and Gloria Stuart played in Titanic was once believed to be based on Fay Wray but was later revealed to be false. The character Billy Zane played was in fact based on Fay Wray.

  • Fay Wray never recovered from that time Kong got to third base with her.
http://chud.com/nextraimages/bulgebalt.jpg3. Baltimoregasm!

If you even remotely dig both Mike Mignola’s art style and storytelling sensibilities, chances are you’ll like this hardcover book about a vampire attack during World War I. The thing that drew me in was Mignola but it’s Christopher Golden that rules the roost here as his prose makes up the bulk of the book, though there are a nice array of little B&W illustrations. This is a must-own for fans of gothic adventure and well-written old school horror. In reality, the Mignola art aspect is good for visibility and awareness but this is a Golden book in more ways than one though it was co-written by the pair. By the way, the title of the book does not refer to the Maryland city nor the lead character in The Long Kiss Goodnight.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • The city of Baltimore is known by the locals as Chrystalis Superfluous, which is roughly translated to "Why haven’t I left this shithole?".

  • Local Baltimore legend Cal Ripken, Jr. eats a baby every morning for breakfast but no one seems to care.

  • What if people actually looked like Mike Mignola drew them? Mask sales rising!

  • There is a quote from Michael Moorcock on the back of the book, which reminds me of when I overheard Mrs. Ironside making demands in the bedroom.

  • World War I is known as "The Great War", but no so much by the Central Powers. To them it’s called "Aw shit!".

  • I never killed a vampire but I gave one a shiner once.

http://chud.com/nextraimages/dvddrac.jpg4. Bram Stoker Ace!

Yeah it’s flawed. Keanu Reeves is about as right for the part of Jonathan Harker as Michelle Rodriguez, Anthony Hopkins overacts to the point of bringing the force of Heaven down upon us all, and Winona Ryder’s portrayal makes us wish Dracula would bite her tits and kick her to the curb… but there’s so much good here that it’s worth the ride. Gary Oldman is on fire, the style of the film pushes the boundaries of Francis Ford Coppola’s psyche, and it’s just plain fun. The flick finally gets the royal treatment after much delay and subterfuge and it couldn’t have come at a better time. FYI, there’s a Blu-Ray version coming as well. Speaking of Blu-Ray… Mrs. Charles*.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • The famous "I have crossed oceans of time" dialogue was recorded in post. On the day, Gary Oldman performed the original dialogue, which began "I am a vampire and thusly half a fag".

  • Costume designer Eiko Ishioka later used a similar style in the Tarsem equestrian torture porn epic The Cell and later when her daughter Baphomet Ishioka dressed as Robert Wuhl for Halloween ’06. Ishioka means "Glad to meet you, Gladiator" in Japanese.

  • Gary Oldman prepared for the role of Dracula by playing Red Rover with Tim Roth.

  • Winona Ryder prepared for her role as Mina by filling her clothing with unbought goods at the Mall of America.

  • Sadie Frost did not file sexual assault charges against the Rapewolf Dracula.

  • Francis Ford Coppola died while making this film but smelling salts brought him back shortly after the release of Jack.


*Podcast Joke!