’m sorry, but what was it, aside from the meager domestic returns, that Steven E. de Souza’s Street Fighter failed to get right about a video game in which cartoon characters wallop the shit out of each other? Were there storytelling nuances he missed? Character arcs left unresolved? Finishing moves misrepresented?

Getting indignant over a second go-round on Capcom’s Street Fighter is a little like screaming at a retarded kid for not wiping his ass. Look, I’m not sure the two are analogous either, but sense and Street Fighter don’t often seek each other’s company – which is why I’m glad Ashok Amritraj’s Hyde Park has signed Andrzej Bartkowiak (of Doom and Romeo Must Diet infamy) to direct this unholy mess. Finally, we’ll get the unenjoyable-on-any-level Street Fighter movie the universe has craved since Jankel & Morton’s Super Mario Brothers buried the bar deep in the core (whence neither Aaron Eckhart nor Hilary Swank could retrieve it). And just in case you think I’m being unduly harsh (and who the hell are you to think such dreadful thoughts?), know that the screenplay is being polished by Justin Marks. What he did to Voltron, he’s now doing to Ken and Ryu.

According to Variety, Street Fighter is "focused on female fighter Chun Li and her journey for justice". That’s reassuring. Now that I think about it, a feminist bent is precisely what de Souza’s picture was lacking. How cruel of Raul Julia’s Bison to ridicule Chun Li’s misery by bragging that the day he ravaged her village and killed her father was nothing more than "Tuesday" to him. This is Street Fighter, not Straw Dogs, Mr. de Souza! Fie!

Expect Maggie Q to be cast any day now. And know that Jean-Claude Van Damme is pestering his representation (pity those poor bastards) for a cameo.