startlingly anemic grosses of Uwe Boll’s theatrical output in America (I
think Leona Helmsley’s dog inherited more money than their profits combined. Actually, I think Nick made more from banner ads in the past seven minutes than their profits combined.) might
lead a rational person to a few seemingly obvious conclusions about the future
of such filmmaking.

in America
wants to see horrible movies based on horrible videogames.

same can be said for much of the rest of the world.

tax laws regarding filmmaking are a little better than God,

sense, right? Well not to the good people at CFP Productions, a relatively new
banner that is snapping up the rights to graphic novels and (old and forgotten)
videogames. Their latest is a doozie, as they have just optioned the
nigh-impossible-to-acquire rights to…FUCKING JOUST, or as you may remember
it, Joust.
Yes, the mildly entertaining time-waster from Midway Games featuring tiny
knights battling atop of super-ostriches and buzzards is due to become a movie
because, let’s face it…the narrative possibilities are endless.

content to ride this cashbox to box office gravy glory, CFP Productions, which
is based at Paramount,
is also developing the shooter Area 51, also courtesy of
Midway. You may remember that Grant Morrison was tapped to write the screenplay
for Area
all the way back in April, but not much has happened since then. Hopefully,
that means these projects would follow nicely in the footsteps of a
long-sentenced-to-development-hell adaptation of yet another Midway game, Spy
. Well, I say that selfishly because I’ve had my eyes on the
rights to NBA Jam and Cruis’n USA for awhile now, and I
really don’t need nobody else snooping around the remains of Midway’s 80s
stable for hidden celluloid gold, goddamnit.