I thought
we were done with this Japanese horror film remake bullshit after they
demonized every conceivable inanimate object (e.g. water, houses, VHS tapes,
computers, tentacles…wait a minute….) and then managed to get American
producers to pay for the privilege of redoing it. After all, we’re already well
into backlash against the wave that followed it – torture porn – so who has
time to not give a fuck about these movies anymore?

Alas, it’s
time for cellphones to join the party, and that brings us to One
Missed Call
. And such a great premise! You get a weird-ass ringtone you
didn’t pay for (I guess you have to be on the Jamster! plan to fall victim to
this?), and suddenly your cell reads “One Missed Call”. You listen to the
voicemail only to find it’s a recording of your death from the future. You
should be stopping me by now because you’ve heard (and seen) this before. I
sure have. Besides, this isn’t even feasible given the penetration of iPhones
and Apple’s heavily-guarded OS. I mean, have you tried customizing a ringtone
on that thing?! And come on…who’s going to tap a Visual Voicemail from “D.
Reaper”? Sure, I guess some scrubs with Boost Mobile are fair game to die here,
but that’s what you get for having bad credit, muhfuckas.

Oh, about
the movie. Shannon Sossamon, Meagan Good, and Azura Skye play the chicks that
are grist for the cellular death. Ed Burns is the cop who’s likely useless. And
this new trailer pretty much gives away the entire movie, so save yourself the
90 minutes and watch it now.

One Missed Call hits theaters January 4, 2008. If
only they’d recut the trailer with a supernatural lion roar as the ringtone,
remove the title and show lots of people running, the internets would be all
abuzz. Well, for a week or so, at least.