I could not be any less interested in Robert Zemeckis’s Beowulf than I already am, which is flatline. I like the old tale, think it’s beautiful and timeless and Grendel’s a tough ass and all the requisite respectful nonsense but I still find it almost impossible to fathom the idea of lifting the 3-D glasses to my grille to watch the damn thing. The Crispin Glover stunt casting?


The big thing about this film is that it rocks your ass if you see it in 3-D, according to Comic Con patrons who drank the Kool Aid. Well, the 2-D version of the trailer was not good and the character’s emotions reminded me of hospice patients so I guess I’ll need more than gimmicks to float my figurative dinghy. It could have been in 12-D, which is where the images claw through your titmeat with press-on nails, and I still couldn’t be moved by the pretty but vacant CGI people with their Paris Hilton soulless RealDoll eyes. Plus, after watching stuff like BioShock, I need a little more from my moviegoing big ticket dollar. Oh, and screw me for thinking Ray Winstone is probably more Beowulf looking in real life than this incarnation of Beowulf anyhow. I like a rough looking meat man with a gut and a scowl and baldness to spare. I don’t need my CGI action hero to look like Bob fuckin’ Horner!

I mean, if I want to see something simply because it’s in 3-D I’ll go to IMAX and watch a nature documentary, which is better than fiction ten times out of ten. Or better yet, I’ll watch a play. That’s 3-D enough for me and I don’t have to look at Anthony Hopkins’ overexposed visage.

Oh why the hell am I babbling? That’s right, here’s the poster courtesy of IGN: