’m tempted to start a regular column where I chronicle the press releases that most blow my mind, and if I did, a recent release about the DVD version of Blades of Glory would certainly earn a spot. Blades of Glory was an OK film – not a disaster, but not a movie I have wanted to revisit, and likely never will (although the Will Arnett/Jenna Fischer presence*make this a possible cable catcher). It’s hitting DVD sometime soon (the press release oddly doesn’t tell me when the DVD streets), and to celebrate, Paramount Home Entertainment is having a skating party… in Second Life.

Here is the relevant part of the release:

Paramount Home Entertainment (PHE) is giving visitors to the virtual world of Second Life a chance to go for the gold in a week-long celebration with a DVD release party that will take place simultaneously in 12 skating rinks within Second Life. Visitors to the party will be able to don free virtual replicas of the outrageous costumes seen in the film, as well as ice skates that will allow avatars to perform signature BLADES OF GLORY moves on the ice in singles or pairs. Users who skate at all 12 rinks during the week of August 24-31 will be entered into a prize drawing in which the grand prize includes 10,000 Linden dollars, a gift certificate to a sporting goods store and a BLADES OF GLORY DVD. Second and third prizes will be 1,000 Linden dollars and a BLADES OF GLORY DVD. Please visit or go directly to to create your own avatar and take part in the festivities.

Seriously, what is this crap? 12 skating rinks in the world’s most overblown chat room? An online party? ‘Virtual replicas’ of costumes from the movie? Did I miss something – are Second Life people wearing full body biofeedback suits that immerse them directly into the web, or are they just sitting up all night at their desk with a bag of Cheetos and 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew?

Let’s face it, saying that you’re on Second Life is akin to saying you spend most afternoons in the fetal position trying to suck your own dick. It’s a warning sign at best, and if I ever met a Second Lifer, I would politely back away until I could break into a run, covering my anus with both hands all the while. I’m not even going to make the ‘Get a First Life’ jokes, mainly because I don’t actually believe Second Life exists; I know lots and lots of very nerdy, very computer oriented people, and not one of them has ever been on Second Life or spent so much as a linden. I think this whole thing might be a brilliant hoax perpetrated on publicists** and newspaper writers desperate for trend pieces.

So listen, if you’re a complete douchetard, there’s a skating party in Second Life. Have fun!

*Fischer looking all hot and slutty, no less.

**The only human I ever met who had been to Second Life was a publicist promoting a movie, and I believe she was mildly traumatized.