Ok, quick: Name
something obviously missing from John Singleton’s Four Brothers that would’ve
made it a much better film. A decent plot? Ehhh, I’m going to have to buzz you
on that one. Less ridiculous racial stereotypes? Nice try. Come on, people…think!
Two less brothers? Good, very good. But I’m looking for the number one answer
here, folks. How could you not have gotten this yet? Fine.
TIM F’N ALLEN.
Is there any doubt
that had he been able to co-write and star in that movie (and reduced the main
cast by 50 percent) that it would’ve been a massive success and family friendly
enough for, perhaps, oh, I don’t know…Disney to put out? Of course not. So
Allen just waited until Four Brothers drifted off to eternal
purgatory on Showtime Too (Yes, that is how Showtime spells “too.” No fucking “W”,
ok?), then decided to redeem this concept with Brothers (The genius…this
bastard left off numerals altogether!). The basic premise is very similar. Two
racially-mixed adopted brothers (I kinda hope he jettisons the black/white
thing and grabs Anthony Wong to co-star) are framed for a crime and must
team-up to battle criminals and the cops. He’ll probably knock this off during
lunch breaks for the Wild Hogs sequel.
Me? I’ll be grimly
awaiting the announcement of his inevitably black co-star. Anthony Anderson? Bernie Mac?
Why not make it Wesley Snipes’ ticket back into the big leagues? He’ll smoke
pot and conjure racist conspiracies…you’ll be all uptight and eat lots of mayo
on your sandwiches. It’s fun for the whole family, Tim.