already revealed his real name was "John" (thus confirming our suspicions that Carrie Bradshaw was always meant to be viewed as a high-class hooker)! What more do we need out of Chris Noth’s "Mr. Big" in a Sex & the City movie? Wait, why do we need a Sex & the City movie again?

If the box office proceeds for this looming lump of garbage to be written and directed by Michael Patrick King are sizable enough to justify a truly-needed Deadwood movie, then I’ll reverse my opinion and not consider it the cinematic equivalent of the My Lai Massacre. Until then, I will wish all manner of misfortune on this production from now until picture lock. My best-case scenario has a real-life herpes outbreak forcing King to rewrite the film as a SoHo bound Harrow Alley.

I can’t imagine a movie more outside of the CHUD strike zone than Sex & the City: Bigger, Deeper and Unprotected, but we all like Chris Noth, right? It’s kind of absurd that he hasn’t found a decent role in film yet. Even classic TV actors like Andy Griffith, James Garner and Perry King enjoyed big screen glory in their day; all Noth needs is a smartass like Quentin Tarantino to cast him as an abusive pimp or a syphilitic podiatrist, and, at last, he’ll no longer be the heavyset-but-handsome cop from Law & Order.

If you’re curious as to when the needlessly 2.35:1 Sex & the City will commence principal photography, kindly go fuck yourself.