Guttenberg’s IMDB filmography over the last couple of years is enough to bring a tear to the eye of any Police Academy fan. While The Gutt has been working more or less steadily, it’s all been the kind of gigs where you bring your own lunch because the budget doesn’t cover the catering. I have to go back to 1995 to find a movie I was even aware existed, and that’s Jodie Foster’s Home for the Holidays, which no one saw. Most damning of all is that he is listed as ‘unconfirmed’ in a movie that came out four years ago! That’s tough.

But now things are looking up for the heart and soul of Cocoon: he’s got a role in the new Jessica Simpson movie, Major Movie Star, which is like Private Benjamin but probably no good at all. Simpson plays a movie star who enlists in the US Army Reserve after finding out her boyfriend is gay and her accountant embezzled all her money. In 2007 enlisting in the Reserves is like putting a gun up to your own head, or at the very least putting your limbs in a meat grinder, but I doubt we’ll see the comedic side of the grueling and endless tours of duty our Reserve and National Guard members are forced into like cannon fodder serfs.

The Gutt will be Simpson’s agent, who will probably be negotiating her contract to make sure she’s the person in the Reserves who actually gets usable body armor. Vivica A Fox will play a training officer, which is pretty hilarious. This movie should be a steaming pile of shit, with the bright yellow corn kernel of The Gutt stuck right in the middle of it.