sure hope Elisha Cuthbert lived in a bottle this weekend. It’s bad enough to have a movie sold on the entertainment value of your unremitting torture and eventual murder; I can’t imagine how much it would suck to be rewarded for such willful self-degradation with a paltry $1.5 million opening on over 1,000 screens (following months of hype orchestrated by sleaze peddler Courtney Solomon).

Then again, if you’re willing to sell yourself as a fetching object of cruciation, maybe the shitty ROI is just an exquisitely painful part of the game (safe word: "Lohan"). But if you want to keep playing, you’re going to need to book a movie or two that stands a chance of making money (or have one of your emergency sex tapes "leaked"), and that sounds like it’s proving difficult for Ms. Cuthbert, who’s just a tad too excited to land a role in the forthcoming 24 movie.

Quoth the sex kitten to the MTV Movies Blog: "’I would love to be in it!’ she says, before admitting that she hasn’t heard a peep about it. ‘I’m sort of like ‘Here’s the telephone!,’ she giggles.

Suddenly, Cuthbert’s face drains of color. She fires up a Marlboro Red and gazes straight into a magically produced tumbler of cheap scotch. ‘They know I’m… older now,’ she adds, exhaling a thick plume of lung smoke. ‘They know. They know so damn much.’"

I may have sweetened MTV’s reporting there, but, nevertheless, ew. Cuthbert’s Kim Bauer character was seemingly written out of the show for good during season five after not appearing at all in season four (due to becoming the most superfluous character in the recurring cast, as evidenced by her infamous, season two mountain lion showdown). I have no idea why they’d want to bring her back, especially since Jack Bauer’s personal life is the show’s "real-time" plotting albatross. If there isn’t a role for her in 24: The Movie, watch out. This girl is friends with Paris Hilton. She knows how to bottom out. Pliantly.