I take photos of dumb shit. Some of you do too (submit yours HERE). Life’s too short and there’s too many dumb things out there to allow it going unnoticed or people not getting called out for it. This is where I shine a light at fools, loons, hypocrites, and in many instances my own dumb self. If you dig this, please share it on FB and Twitter (links right above this) or participate in our message board thread devoted to it.
1. Believe it, bitch.
This would be the best book ever if the cover art was a woman sitting on the beach in Normandy surrounded by invading soldiers. In a situation like that the Allies and Axis forces would unify in puzzlement with the surprised loom knitter. Or if it was a person surrounded by wolves in the night, their fangs bared for dismemberment. Or a puzzled housewife falling from the wreckage of the Columbia. These are all highly inappropriate locations and situations for the magic of loom knitting. To be beside yourself in excitement over something BY LAW requires that thing to be interesting. Examples:
HOLY FUCK I’M WHIPPING A KARATE EXPERT TO DEATH!
I AM ASTOUNDED TO BE HANG GLIDING IN CAVES!
I AM INCREDULOUS AS THE SIZE OF THIS DICK IN MY HAND!
HOLY SHIT! BIRTHDAY CAKES!
LOOK OUT MOM, I’VE BEEN WITNESS RELOCATED!
FUCK OFF, WHAT A NICE CHABLIS!
2. I’m allergic to mushrooms and ejaculate.
There’s a recurring theme in the DUMB about the city of Cumming, GA. I don’t care. It’s a fuck name. Makes me want to move away. Like to DVDAtown, Ohio.
3. “Hey kid, want some CANDY?”
It had to be Penn State, didn’t it? The one college in the world where kid’s candy emblazoned with the school logo doesn’t evoke school spirit as much as bloody-assed young people limping home for supper.
4. We get it. You travel a lot. Or you buy stickers online.
Communing with nature is its own reward. You don’t have to be a goddamn show off. In a minivan.
Twist ending: I pulled up next to the fattest hiker in town. Less stickers, more hiking.
5. This product totally exists.
I may be a little naive but I didn’t not know it was even possible to buy over the counter penis piss.
The purpose is apparently too fool one’s potential job prospect should they ask for a drug test. Because taking getting a new job seriously and going in clean is ludicrous. You ought to do what I do when I go into a job interview. I tell them that I’d be happy to piss for them but because I’m so excited to be considered for the position there’s going to be a large percentage of semen in the cup too.
That tells them I’m the ideal candidate.
6. Even Marilu Henner couldn’t make this sexy.
“Billy Ray, remember that scratch-off lottery ticket windfall I had the other week?”
“What is the definition of windfall?”
“No really, I dropped out after Montessori School.”
“Shut the front door, when I pulled seven G’s out of the machine at the Piggy Wiggly. I almost snotted my tattered wife-beater I was so blown away.”
“Oh yeah, we got fucking high as fuck.”
“Well I invested the rest of that shit and for real. In luxury motherfucker. Step outside for a look at my new ride…”
“Let’s add up some height, distance, objects, and years to create a complex mathematical equation.”
“What the fuck does that do? What does that number quantify?”
“It’s like a mixture of algebra and some other algebras.”
8. The prequel to ‘Oh Heavenly Dog’.
The answer to the question “How do you kill all the history, toughness, coolness, and notoriety out of motorcycle culture in one fell swoop?”
9. You can almost see the farmer’s fingerprints.
Produce n.: 2. Farm products, especially fresh fruits and vegetables, considered as a group.
Am I looking at store fixture or a field? I can’t tell. I mean, if you look real close it may not look like a shitload of naturally grown fruits sitting there but I gotta believe everything I read. That shit is PRODUCE! Look at all those goddamn fruits.
10. Loser Superstore!
At 10am the curtain comes down and they shoot you in the face.
By the way: