I look at Walt Becker and think: there’s a guy I’d hire for a Gillette commercial. I expect seven-bladed razors to fly at his face any second now, swirling around in a CGI orgy of shaving cream and impeccably cut whiskers. Guy’s face is rugged enough to use as a location for Marines recruitment commercials.

But the folks at Disney just see dollar signs. Knowing that the country has an unfettered appetite for further Man on Hog action, they’ve inked Becker to a juicy first-look producing/directing deal. Among the future Cannes showstoppers on his plate are the inevitable Wild Hogs sequel and Old Dogs, to star Robin Williams and John Travolta. That’s not just a catchy ABAB rhyme scheme — Old Dogs, based on name and cast alone, might actually be the antichrist.

But the first pic up for Becker’s Disney dollars is My Samurai, a comedy about "an American who, while on a business trip to Japan, saves the life of a
homeless man who claims he’s the last in a long line of samurai. The
businessman’s life is turned upside down when the so-called samurai
shows up on his doorstep, pledging eternal service and loyalty.

God help me, I can almost see that being funny. Ressurrect Takashi Shimura, or just get Takeshi Kitano, and give it to…well, anyone else, really, to direct. Fred Durst, maybe? But just to crush all your hopes, know that it’s written by Matt Lopez, the guy behind the next Sandler/Shankman flick. Abandon all hope for comedy.