I take photos of dumb shit. Some of you do too (submit yours HERE). Life’s too short and there’s too many dumb things out there to allow it going unnoticed or people not getting called out for it. This is where I shine a light at fools, loons, hypocrites, and in many instances my own dumb self. If you dig this, please share it on FB and Twitter (links right above this) or participate in our message board thread devoted to it.
1. Sculpt your fat!
Who needs actual muscles when you can squeeze your fat into muscle shapes? I love this product. You can take a repulsive dude with inexplicable hair and create uncomfortable ab shapes on his ruined manframe. We have learned nothing from Victorian times. Over the years we have squeezed, smushed, snipped, clipped, and greased our forms into bizarre inhuman patterns in the name of vanity and there’s no end in sight. It’s like a fauxhawk for tummies!
Imagine this dude at the gym locker room parading around in his failure abs. It’s like that spray people put over their bald spots to create scare hair. Or stuffing a sock in your drawers to simulate dick. It’s like having someone follow you around with an arrow pointed at your worst thing.
2. Betcha Wikipedia didn’t have a Penis section in their initial biz plan.
That there’s a PENIS subheading, doesn’t Wikipedia lose all of the good work it’s done over the years? I mean, it’s Wikipedia. We all use it. It’s the go-to place for answers on nearly anything but even the mandibula guy from Encyclopedia Britannica knows that nothing negates a legit thing more than penis.
3. Soshawl Netwerkin’ ‘n ‘Bama.
Alabama pretty much deserves every bad thing, but you almost have to feel sorry for a state known for not being loaded with smart things whose Foursquare listing for their state line misspells the name of the state.
4.The official Michael Balzary action figure.
“Well Teddy we’ve mastered the art of using plastics and rubbers to create blow-up replicas of damn near anything our hearts can imagine.”
“You really knocked that inflatable Lee Harvey Oswald being shot out of the park, Louis.”
“Well, you don’t want to disappoint the Boys and Girls Clubs of America on their biggest day. What’s next on the contracting slate, perhaps a nice Ronny Cox having the wind knocked out of him by a rabid fan?”
“A goddamn flea.”
“Fuck this business, Teddy.”
5. And they say America doesn’t have a gun problem.
I don’t care where you stand on the gun control issue.
No really, I don’t. We’ve pretty much forfeit our loose rights regarding the willy nilly ability to saunter around the city packing Robocop heat. For every handful of folks polishing their guns privately and only firing them at targets at licensed gun ranges there are folks showing up at Dimebag Darrell’s guitar solo or at the local multiplex or school with a little ultraviolence on the cranium. For every gent who enjoyed their military service and still enjoys the ability to feel secure in his home there’s a skullfuck who strokes his dick at the chance of popping a cap in an illegal because they’re stealing all the really cush landscaping jobs.
A quick look at the local magazine aisle at the local Kroger says all you need to know.
We’re in need of a little adjustment.
6. Dead Horse.
The Civil War was an interesting time for our great nation. It led to far less slaves running around, which is neato.
It ended a while ago. Probably time to stop spending too much time giving a fuck.
7. Safe car? Savior car!
I hope this doesn’t mean what I think it means.
Is God handing out Jaguars now? Because all Kali gave me was a welt and a copy of Root Beer Floats for Dummies.
8. And now the answer to “what’s worse than gun magazines”?
Forget the fact I found Katie Holmes to be a charming and professional lady on the set of the amazing movie she starred in from last summer. It could literally be anyone on these covers.
It’s that these are BY FAR the most prominent magazines at any establishment that sells magazines that freaks me out so hard my dick hurts. This dogshit pulp seems to breed lethargy and useless murder of brain cells, and it’s the shit easiest to get and stuff that people simply can’t not pick up and consider buying/reading.
There literally should be an intervention to the world where issues of Discover, Mental Floss, and National Geographic replace these things and those godforsaken Soap Opera magazines at checkout counters all across America. We are becoming the most deserving and easy target ever as a life form. And we are going down not with a fight but with a fart and a big bite out of a Snickers bar.
9. Banksy he ain’t.
I’ve spent some time learning about viral marketing and I gotta tell you that the best way to get cock is not be taking blind shots in fixed locations but in broad marketing strokes that strive to get your message the fuck out there. Getting cock isn’t a sniper shot. It’s a shotgun blast.
You can’t fire and forget and just wait for the cocks to start rolling in. You have to put that energy to work and adjust if the results aren’t up to projection. You have to align a good idea (getting cock) with a good business plan (four corner marketing blitz and constant adjustments) so that not only are cocks within reach but many at a time. Ideally a new cock will be hitting the crosshairs just as the previous one retreats, withered and spent. Ideally, one cock grabbing campaign will give way to the next, each grabbing a different niche and with a different creative focus so that there’s nary a cock that doesn’t find its way into your sphere of influence.
10. Whitetrash Water.
There’s something to be said for making lemonade out of lemons but perhaps it’s time to amend the saying.
If life hands you lemons, don’t piss all over your hands and face.
11. Ronald’s got a hard on!
McMuff, eh? Finally a dish at McDonald’s you don’t have to return if you find a hair on it! Even though I’m not a huge fan of Irish women I’d be interested to see what they had to offer. McMuff. What would the ingredients be? Puss n’ Buns? Wouldn’t every meal become a Happy Meal? Would we see the birth of new mascot The Clamburglar?
NOTE: I remember when McDonald’s signs said 2o Billion served.
NOTE: Yes, every street in Atlanta is called Peachtree.
12. Kinda focused, isn’t it?
How about “Blessed is ALL nations, regardless of their idol of choice“, huh?
How about “I love my nation but I bet your nation’s pretty good too“?
How about “My religion is important to me but not at the expense of being exclusionary“?
How about “We all could use a blessing, even if you don’t believe in that sort of thing“?
How about “This sticker exists so I can feel like I’m doing my part when I drive over to the neighbor to fuck the living daylights out of his wife“?
How about “Maybe I should keep this shit to myself“?
How about “I just bought this car from a zealot“?
By the way: