I hate my age.
People my age are becoming executives in the film industry and they seem to forget that what made the pop culture we grew up so great was not the power of the brand but our fertile imaginations. In our heads a Rattler could take out the Sky Striker on its own and a ROM: Spaceknight/MASK crossover could happen in our living room without a board meeting and lawyers present. In our heads the only difference between Major Bludd and Vic Morrow was a black rubber band*. In our heads the Go-Bots were M.U.S.C.L.E.’s bitch and caution would be thrown to the wind as Man-E-Faces made passionate fuck to Lady Jaye without her diaphragm accessory.
It was a pure time. Now every property we grew up on is getting gobbled up without much thought being devoted to why. I know there are people out there who clamored for each episode of He-Man, but if they still find the stuff engrossing as a functional adult I really hope they keep it to their damn selves. The toys were these oddly proportioned steroid blobs with squishy heads, something that always bothered me [except when I used them to recreate the kid’s death from The Toxic Avenger] and though names like Beast-Man and She-Ra are brilliant the whole concept reeked of a weekend of rushed creativity. Yes, I know they started as Conan toys, so deprive me of that trivia minutia. He-Man was great if you were eight, but if you had pubic hair AND He-Man toys you probably now work in a job where your name tag reads "Billy" or "Mikey" or "The Guy from The Seventh Sign Who is Dead Now".
The same goes for the horrible Thundercats. Horrible I say. I am ashamed to have been a part of the generation that made that show popular. I never owned one of the toys, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that Lion-O fought against my Giant Mazinger from time to time. Hey, today’s kids have it rough too. Can you imagine trying to reconcile owning a fucking Dragon Ball Z or Yu-Gi-Oh toy as a 40 year old man in 2030? I’d Cobain right there at the dinner table. Each generation has to deal with it, but since the immediacy is so much more of an issue now, those franchises will live and die and lot faster. I hope.
I’m waiting for someone to greenlight a Crystar film. Or maybe devote a miniseries to Gregorio the Vampire Bat with the see-though blood chest. Or the Sectaurs. Remember those assholes? There are executives on Ebay right now clicking around for kitsch and bullshit from their youth just hoping they land the next property that’ll go from their rightful place at the garage sale to the multiplex and the only thing you can do about it is cringe and not see it. But you will see it, won’t you? You’ll be persuaded by your buddies to go and see how bad it is. What it’s like seeing Rupert Everett as Matt Trakker. What kind of a Destro Matthew Lillard ends up being. Just because. It’s the same reason a ton of fuckers keep making and watching YouTube videos of your Star Wars figures moving around to the audio of American Idol.
Fight the urge, my lovelies. You have to be as sick as I am of seeing my childhood regurgiated at me. If you aren’t then you’re dead inside. Or just more well-rounded than I am. If you’re kind of giddy that they’re making all these things into movies, I only ask one thing of you. Please sign my copy of The Seventh Sign. In crayon, like you’re used to.
* My Steven Spielberg figure was whisked away immediately after, but don’t tell anyone.