If you look at the top ten films of all time (aka the best of Sam Strange), six of them will be Star Wars films. This historical series has changed the life of every man, woman, man-child, child, and child-child who have come across its middle school charms, high school themes, and technical school wizardry. In an effort to come to terms with what I have done to the world, I will now remember all six films…
The Phantom Menace
Attack of the Clones
Revenge of the Sith
A New Hope
Clever viewers may notice a severe drop off in budget from this point on in the series. I have a slightly embarrassing explanation for this. See, the six Star Wars movies were funded by a couple Japanese friends of mine, and I thought our budget was a lot bigger than it really was. Apparently 100 yen is not the same as 100 dollars. Because of this accounting screw up, the final three films had to be made with what we like to call a “credit cards”.
Twenty years have passed, but thanks to Pal-Pal’s gas attack everyone from the first three films is FORTY years older. As the film begins we see one of Anakin’s kids getting chased by Anakin himself. Before big daddy boards her plane, Princess Laiya puts info in a trashcan droid and sends it and it’s gay lover to find Obi-Bobie Kenobi-Dobie. These two droids were in the first three films, but I haven’t mentioned them yet cause this is the first time they actually do anything worth a damn.
Because she was adopted by random people, she doesn’t know Anakin is her dad and he doesn’t know he’s arresting his own daughter. WE know though, and watching their awkward family ignorance is half the fun.
The two droids know Obi Kenobi is in Tat-Tat, but they’re not sure exactly where. While searching, they come across a Christian farmboy and ask him for help. “Yeah, I know him,” says the boy. “But my uncle told me he touches little boys, and I should stay as far away as possible.”
The gay robot clears this up, “Oh my! He just told you that to keep you boring. Come on! Live a little. My yes!” So the boy decides to tag along.
When they get there, the old man takes an interest in the boy. “Lukas,” he says. “Take this light sword. It belonged to your father.” Lucas is amazed. “You knew my father?!”
“Yes indeed. He was a great warrior named Anakin, and was later betrayed and murdered by another great warrior named Anakin. I’ve been watching you, Lucas. You have the force, just as your father did before he was killed by a guy who looks just like him.”
The trashcan shows them the Princess’ recorded plea for help. “We’ve got to find an airplane and rescue her,” Obi Kenobi says. “Yeah,” Lucas drools. “She’s a fox!” Obi Kenobi whistles loudly over this last part.
They go to a bar to find a plane cause the world’s best pilots are all drunks. After asking around and cutting off some walrus arms, they find a guy named Hand Solo and his big gargling dog Chewbacco. Before they can leave, Hand has to deal with a bounty hunter. In the first version of this movie, the bounty hunter shoots at Hand, who returns fire in self defense. But because that made Hand look like a pussy, I digitally removed the bounty hunter’s bullet, so now it looks like Hand kills him in cold blood. Problem fixed!
It takes two hours for them to fly to the Princess, and Lucas uses that time to cram in about twenty years worth of training. Because of the hurry, Obi Kenobi doesn’t get to cover all the discipline and etiquette stuff, resulting in a slightly less-lame Jedi Knight.
Hand isn’t impressed. “The force, huh? That’s just a hokey ancient mythological religion from twenty years ago. Here check this out.” He shoots Lucas in the hand. “See? The blaster wins, fag.”
After Lukas gives himself a robotic hand, they land on the moon-shaped airplane where the Princess is being held and snoop around dressed like clones. When they find her, she makes out with Lucas as a show of gratitude. Obi Kenobi whistles loudly to block it out, but it blows their cover because everyone knows Jobo Fett never learned how to whistle.
On the other side of the ship, Anakin stops force choking one of his superiors. “I have heard that whistle before…” he breathes. On the other side of the ship, Obi Kenobi stops turning off the ship’s tracking beam. “I have heard that breathing before…” he thinks. “No wait, I haven’t.”
As everyone runs to Han’s flying satellite dish, Kenobi hangs back to buy them time. Lucas has a problem with this, so Kenobi force shuts his whiny goddamn mouth. Before he can join them on the plane, Anakin shows up, and the two proceed towards the slowest, most clumsy light sword fight in movie history. Because Anakin is slightly less elderly than Kenobi, he quickly gets the upper hand. Afraid of getting cut in half, Kenobi performs the chicken-shit Jedi version of Seppuku and simply disappears. Lucas cries like a little baby, which turns Leiya’s affections from him to the wise-cracking sexist in the cockpit. “What’s up, Sugartits?” he asks as she sits on his lap and calls him a scruffy looking Nerf herder. Their sex is angry.
They fly to a rebel base, where everyone hates Pal-Pal and longs to restore the days of flying cars and more CG. There’s a lady there named Mon Monma who has a plan to destroy the moon shaped airplane. “It has a fatal flaw,” she says. “If we shoot it anywhere on the dark side of the moon shape, it will blow up. Many Bothans dies to bring us this information.” Nobody really feels the weight of that last part cause no one knows what a Bothan is.
All the good guys get in their planes to shoot up the moon ship. All the bad guys get in their planes to shoot up the good guys. Because of this, the moon ship is completely empty when Lucas finally blows it up. Nevertheless, the rebels celebrate their “victory” because they are desperate for A NEW HOPE. When the celebrating is over, they get back to suicide bombs and videotaped beheadings like before, but now with more gusto!
Anakin is not as happy. He flies back to Pal-Pal with his robotic tail between his legs, and tells him the news. When he mentions Lucas, Pal-Pal’s frown turns upside down. Why? You’ll have to wait four years to find out…