If you look at the top ten films of all time (aka the best of Sam Strange), six of them will be Star Wars films. This historical series has changed the life of every man, woman, man-child, child, and child-child who have come across its middle school charms, high school themes, and technical school wizardry. In an effort to come to terms with what I have done to the world, I will now remember all six films…
The Phantom Menace
Attack of the Clones
Revenge of the Sith
When Revenge of the Sith begins, we are knee-deep in the end of the hypothetically awesome Clone Wars. Years of fighting has changed Anakin into a darker Jedi Knight. We see this immediately thanks to the scar on his eye and his dangerous Mel Gibson hair. The war has also had a profound effect on the Queen’s pregnancy status, changing it from “Not” to “Holy shit, how am I going to pay for this!” Everything else is the same.
Obi Kenobi and Anakin fly onto a big airplane and get captured immediately. They’re taken to a room where Darth Count Duku is holding Senator Pal-Pal hostage. Obi Kenobi tells Anakin not to fight, but Anakin says, “Fuck that, Master!” and cuts Darth Count Duku’s tall head right off. This really pisses off Obi Kenobi, and the fact that it pisses him off pisses Anakin off.
Things get worse when they get back to Cor-Cor and report to the Jedi Council. Instead of thanking Anakin for finally taking out a badass Sith, they yell at him for how close to awesome he’s becoming, and punish him with homework. And thus, the first seed against the Jedi order is planted in Anakin’s heart.
Pal-Pal can sense this, and decides the time has come for him to finally act. “Anakin?” he asks. “Has anyone ever told you about the true power of the Sith?” Anakin is shocked, but interested, when Pal-Pal finally removes his glasses…
Meanwhile, the Jedi Council try to figure out who the main Sith is, cause there has to be one pulling the strings. “Suspect Pal-Pal, I do, the most,” says Yogi. “But glasses, wear he, while Sith, glasses, do not wear. Hmmm…perplexed, I am. Thirsty, yes. More Mountain Dew, is there?”
“I think you’ve had enough,” Window tells him. “Excuse me. I am going to go pee-pee.”
In the next room, Pal-Pal continues to temp Anakin. “When you’re a Sith, you can do anything you want. Why, we can eat Twizzlers. Have you ever had a Twizzler, Anakin? They’re very good!”
“They sure sound good,” says Anakin. “All we get to eat is cantaloupe and V8. It sucks.”
Just then Window walks out of the bathroom and catches Pal-Pal without his glasses on. He tries to pull Anakin aside, but Pal-Pal grabs his other sleeve, and a little tug-of-war goes on between good and evil. To accentuate this, lightning crashes through a window and ages Pal-Pal so much that his eyes glow red, his face becomes a wrinkled latex pancake, and his voice box gets a wicked flange pedal.
“Anakin! Come with me. I can show you how to make cobbler and watch it get eaten by everyone else! I will teach you discipline, and how to blindly obey those who rank above you, which is everyone because you’re still just a little boy!”
“No Anakin! Come with me. I have a hot tub! And the scrambled porn channel on my cable box is hardly scrambled at all after 2:00am!”
Anakin makes his decision by slicing off Window’s hand, then force pushing him out a Windu. “What have I DONE!?” he asks. Pal-Pal puts a loving arm around him. “You’ve just taken your first step into a larger world. Don’t flip out about it.” He then pulls out a little dial. “You think that was fun, check THIS out!” He turns the dial from one, which reads “kill pussy robots” all the way up to eleven, which reads “kill pussy Jedi”.
At this moment, clones all over the world suddenly turn around and shoot every Jedi in sight. Apparently the trick to killing a Jedi is that you have to be willing to kill a Jedi. That’s it.
Following this, Pal-Pal puts on a gas mask and lets loose a poisonous fume that makes everyone on-planet at the time age twice as fast as they normally would. You might want to keep this in mind later.
He then has Anakin kill any Jedi the clones might have missed. First he goes to the nursery and kills all the Babylings. Then he goes to the preschool and kills all the Childlings. Then he goes to the old folks home and kills all the Elderlings. By the time he’s done, there’s not a ling left on the whole planet. “Good job,” Pal-Pal tells him. “Better lay low for a while, while I sweet talk the Senate.”
So Anakin calls the Queen and tells her to meet him inside a volcano. He thinks she’s still on his side, but he’s wrong. As she closes her cell phone Obi Kenobi takes her hand. She let him listen in on the whole conversation. “You did the right thing,” he assures her. “Anakin is a different little boy now. He has turned to the dark side of the force.”
“But I’m pregnant with his twins.”
“You are? The Jedi Council just thought you were getting fat!”
While they go confront Anakin, Yogi hangs back to confront Pal-Pal. On the way, he finds a seemingly abandoned pile of Mountain Dew sixpacks in the hallway. He gobbles them down, unaware that they were left there by Pal-Pal on purpose. When he finally gets to the Pal-Pal room, he’s already flipping around like a coked-up twelve year old. “Kicking your ass is going to be the easiest thing I ever done,” Pal-Pal taunts.
Yogi slows down enough to grab his light sword. “Not if anything, to say about it, have I.” But he’s wrong. Pal-Pal grabs a tennis racket and bounces him against the walls a bunch of times, then hit him out of a Windu. Yogi only survives because he bounces against so many things on his way down. Then he bounces to a uninhabitable country called Degubu.
Things don’t go well on the volcano. Anakin finds out the Queen is in cahoots with Obi Kenobi so he force chokes her until her heart breaks and she dies. He turns around to find Obi Kenobi standing on a tall hill. “Don’t do it Anakin. I have the higher ground.” Anakin concedes that Obi Kenobi has the strategic advantage, but instead of being put in handcuffs, Kenobi cuts off all his arms and legs when he’s not looking. And thus, the first seed against the Jedi Order is planted in Anakin’s heart.
Later, Pal-Pal finds Anakin and gives him robotic arms and legs. Then as punishment for getting his ass kicked, Pal-Pal kills Anakin’s lungs and forces him to breath through a cool mask he made in shop class. “So,” he asks. “Are you planning on ever fucking up like that again?”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Though the Queen is dead, she manages to give birth to twins: Lucas and Laiya. Obi Kenobi gives them away to absolute strangers. What will happen next? You’ll have to wait four years to find out…