If you look at the top ten films of all time (aka the best of Sam Strange), six of them will be Star Wars films. This historical series has changed the life of every man, woman, man-child, child, and child-child who have come across its middle school charms, high school themes, and technical school wizardry. In an effort to come to terms with what I have done to the world, I will now remember all six films…

The Phantom Menace

Star Wars Episode II:
Attack of the Clones

Attack of the Clones takes place roughly eight years after The Phantom Menace, and many things have changed: Anakin is no longer a child. Obi Kenobi has a beard. Other than that, the rest is pretty familiar. Jar-Jar is dead, but that’s just because Spike Lee is a big baby.

The movie begins with a failed attempt to end the Queen’s life. This has been happening a lot, so she employs decoys to take the hits for her. But after this last one she’s fresh out, so she calls the Jedi up to watch her ass. Lucky for her, the Jedi have one guy who’s been watching her ass since he started tapping it as a nine year old.

Anakin and Obi Kenobi arrive in Cor-Cor to ensure she doesn’t get killed, and maybe try to kill the person who’s been trying to kill her. Anakin’s a little nervous because his Jedi training has kept him out of her pants since before he hit puberty, and he’s not sure the results will even fit anymore. Obi Wan misunderstands his jittery behavior for childhood innocence, “Young Padawan, I am sure she will still be your friend, Young Padawan. The two of you were very close, if I remember correctly, Young Padawan.”

“We were not just ‘friends,’ Master. I am in love with her, Master. I am afraid my new body will scare her private parts, Master.” Obi Kenobi just whistles loudly when Anakin starts saying this last part. “Stop doing that, Master! You never listen when I try to confide in you on a personal level, Master!”

Obi Kenobi smiles like your grandpa and pats Anakin on the back, “You are young, my Young Padawan.” Anakin shakes his head in frustration. And thus, the first seed against the Jedi order is planted in Anakin’s heart.

When she sees that Anakin has grown into a fine looking Backstreet Boy, she’s more smitten than ever. Before long, Obi Kenobi is whistling as loud as he can to drown out the sound of their lips smacking. The reunion gets cut short when someone tries to shoot the Queen with robotic caterpillars. Anakin and Obi Kenobi chase after the would-be assassin, who ends up getting assassinated herself by bounty hunter moonlighting as an assassin. Anakin and Obi Kenobi decide to split up: one goes after the bounty hunter, one has lots of clumsy sexual intercourse.

So the movie turns into two movies, a mystery and a romance. Let’s do the romance first because the point of a mystery is making people wait for things.

Anakin and the Queen travel back to his hometown of Tat-Tat, which is a desert. Seeing it again, Anakin starts telling the Queen about his secret hatred for sand. “You’re smooth. Not like sand. I hate sand. It is rough and hard for Spiderman to defeat.” He hates sand so much that when he comes across a band of Tusc-Tuscs, aka SAND People, he murders them all. “Even the Womenlings and the Childlings,” he later admits to her. “Anakin,” she says. “If the Jedi Council hears this they might kick you out. They don’t much like murderers.” This shocks him. “Why not!? Those bastards are always holding me back!” And thus, the first seed against the Jedi order is planted in Anakin’s heart.

They cuddle a lot for about two hours. Eventually Obi Kenobi gets captured and they have to go save him.

Kenobi’s story is a little more active. He follows the bounty hunter to a factory out in the middle of the ocean. Inside he finds a bunch of those robots from A.I. They treat him like an honored guest and tell him his army is almost ready. “What army?”

“The one you ordered.”

“I didn’t order an army.”

“Oh, well…I guess we’ll just have them all incinerated.”

“Whoa now, wait a minute. I guess maybe now I remember ordering an army if you got one ready to go and all.”

So they show him an army made from clones of the bounty hunter, who’s name is Jobo Fett. Obi Kenobi is impressed. “I’ll take ‘em! Well, not those really old ones.” As the elderly clones are burned alive, a pleased Obi Kenobi prepares to leave. But before he can go, Jobo Fett tries to kill him by attacking him with flying wires. Beaten by light sword awesomeness, Jobo Fett and his dorky-looking brat run away. Obi Kenobi chases them to a town made of a blinding red dust.

He can’t locate the Fetts, but he does overhear a meeting between the Asians from the first film and a new, elegant Sith, Darth Count Duku. They discuss plans for a moon shaped airplane that can blow whole countries up with one shot. Before he can do anything about it, he gets captured by slipping on a robot shaped like a banana peel.

The young lovers come to save him, but they get distracted by a futuristic McDonald’s Playplace. Soon they are captured and reunited with Obi Kenobi. Before the three heroes can be executed, they are saved by the arrival of Mace Window, Yogi Bear, and that poor, disposable army of clones. As clones and balsa wood robots go at it, the main Jedi go after Darth Count Duku. All except Window, that is. He stays behind to ensure Jobo Fett gets his head chopped off. It does.

Darth Count Duku has a big laser sword fight with everyone. Kenobi gets knocked out, Anakin loses an arm, and Yogi’s disciplined fighting concentration is compromised by the twenty-five Mountain Dews he drank on the way there.

Meanwhile back in Cor-Cor, Senator Pal-Pal is given limited Hitler Status over the clone troopers. The first thing he does is have the word “limited” struck from the English language. He is a very happy Sith. Everything he’s planned so far has come together. The only piece left is young Anakin. What happens next? You’re going to have to wait four years to find out…

(three stars)