I have 430 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it.

Howdy folks!  I’m Michael Rabattino, and you might remember me from such film websites as CHUD.com, and….CHUD.com.  I’ll be sitting in for Jared again this week, and maybe some other weeks in the future.  The far-off future, when there will be flying cars and hoverboards and such.  2015, in other words!

What’s the movie?  House 2 (1987)

What’s it rated?  R for zombie cowboys bottle-feeding catterdogs, dinosaurs trapsing through house jungles, and Bill Maher shenanigans.

Did people make it?  Yes.  Written and Directed by Ethan Wiley, Acted (?) by Arye Gross, Jonathan Stark, Lar Park Lincoln (the name of the 1980’s) Royal Dano, and Bill Maher

“Did somebody say something about a fridge being nuked?”

What’s it like in one sentence?  It’s a zany horror/comedy/western that never takes itself too seriously, has bad acting and writing and doesn’t really care that you think so, and it has Bill Maher.

Why did you watch it?  I felt a moral obligation to somehow endure this out of principle after watching what I thought was a total shitfest in its predecessor, House.  I’m apparently alone in thinking that film (no…movie) is like a swift kick in the teeth.  But I’ll let you folks love it.

What’s it about in one paragraph?  Jesse (Arye Gross) and his girlfriend Kate (Lar Park Lincoln) move into an old mansion that has been in Jesse’s family for ages.  Jesse’s parents were murdered when he was a baby, and so while he’s rummaging through the basement he finds an old picture of his great-great grandfather (Royal Dano) standing in front of some sort of Mayan temple holding a crystal skull.  There’s a man standing near him whose name is Slim Razor and he had become an enemy of his great-great grandfather over a disagreement as to who would get to keep the skull.  Jesse then figures that the skull must be buried with his great-great grandfather so him and his friend decide to dig up his corpse to find the skull.  After that, his corpse comes to life and tells them they must protect the skull at all costs from Slim Razor.  Right?  I don’t know.  I think that happened.

“Son, this ain’t makeup.”

Play or remove from my queue?  Play it, because where the hell else are you going to get to see a pterodactyl carrying around a crystal skull in its mouth?  I mean, this film is so ridiculous on every single level, and not ashamed of it, that I have to recommend it.  I just have to.  And mind you, a friend of mine vehemently hates me after I told him how bad I thought his beloved House was.  He was absolutely certain that after I saw this, I’d think House was a classic.

Not the case.  I expected to hate this film.  Another friend of mine watched it recently and it violated him in ways I still don’t think he’s comfortable discussing with me.  He actually had to have himself briefly committed it upset him so much.   But me?  I like a challenge.  I like to know that what I’m about to watch is gonna inspire the kind of hatred in me that should be reserved for something like…I don’t know…Toddlers & Tiaras?  The fact of the matter is, I did not hate this film.  Try as I might, I couldn’t muster up anything other than slack-jawed amazement at what was unfolding before me on the screen.

Now…don’t get it twisted.  The film is bad.  But it’s watchable.  I hated House…just hated it.  I felt like the only intention they had when making that film was to confound you on a serious level at just what in the hell they were trying to do.  It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t scary…yet it’s a film that for some people seems to rekindle old memories of childhood.  I don’t know, but that’s a different story and I just didn’t get it, I guess.  Fine.

But House 2 was actually watchable.  I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it was.  The acting was awful, the dialogue was awful, and no the film was not scary.  But it was just zany enough for me to say “I don’t regret watching this”.  It had a zombie cowboy, it had a cross between a catterpillar and a dog.  It had dinosaurs.  It had crystal skulls.  And last but not least, it had John Ratzenberger fighting Aztec warriors with a sword.  I mean, come on, folks.  I’m never gonna hate anything containing those things.

Would I watch it again?  Well, that depends on what kind of mood I’m in.  But compared to House, which maybe I need to try watching again but I’m fairly certain it’s a piece of shit not viewable by those who didn’t grow up with it, it was at least sure of what it wanted to do.  I felt like House 2 was a more accurate “horror comedy” experience.  This was a cartoon, plain and simple.

The presentation was admittedly wonderful, but the undead cowboy is a bit gamey for my tastes.

Do you have a favorite line?  “Is she really a virgin? Because I’ve never seen one before.”

Do you have an interesting fun-fact?  In October 1987, Marvel released a comic book adaptation of House II.

What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this?  Nothing again!  Maybe Netflix doesn’t think anyone watches these films?

What does Michael say I’d like if I like this?  Hmmm…hard to say.

What is Netflix’s best guess for Michael?  Silly Netflix…the average rating is 3.2 stars but it doesn’t say what I’d rate it.

What is Michael’s best guess for Michael?  2.5

Can you link to the movie?  Here, go dig up an old cowboy!

Any last thoughts?  Tried to hate it.  Couldn’t.  Simple as that.

Did you watch anything else this week?  Needless to say, the latest episode of Breaking Bad.  Didn’t say that ending unfolding like it did at all.  Some episodes of Supernatural, which I haven’t watched in months but am currently on the 4th season of.  Such a great show.  Also checked out a couple great ESPN 30 for 30 docs: Without Bias and Muhammad and Larry.  I’ve seen practically all of them and those are absolutely two of the best.  Even if you don’t care about sports, they’re gripping documentaries and now that most of them are available on Netflix, you owe it to yourself to watch some.

Any spoilerish thoughts about last week’s film, How to Beat the High Co$t of Living?  I haven’t seen it, but folks…where the hell did Jane Curtain go?

Next week?  I’ll be back reviewing The Perfect Host.  Unless you folks change my mind!

“It’s a good thing you don’t have a liver!”