WARNING: This blog post features sexually explicit text. Not for the faint of heart.

Lately I feel like I haven’t been performing to the height of my intelligence, in most aspects. All my jokes seem to be the kind of rambling non-jokes they cram into Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I even watched Batman ’89 recently, a sure sign of regression. I think any time you watch a movie you’ve seen over 30 times, you’re basically saying “I’m too lazy to think today.” I’ve seen Annie Hall a lot, but by the 30th time, I’m literally going through the motions. Once my friend got really high and watched Groundhog’s Day, he thought the DVD was skipping. It’s kind of like that.

But enough is enough. It’s time for me to rise to my intellectual potential. And that includes when I jerk-off. I’m done getting my jollies by looking up pictures of sorority girls making out with each other on Photobucket (though there is a certain creativity to thinking up just the right search terms to get the right buxom red-head you’ve been craving). I’ve elevated myself to a new level of wankery. www.literotica.com

Make no mistake, Literotica is all class. Every kind of smutty literature you can dream of. From romantic voyeuristic trannies to NOVELS about rest stop glory holes, it’s got everything a fine connoisseur of smut could desire. I’ve even taken to jerking it with my pinky out.

But even I have to admit, the most entertaining thing about the site isn’t it’s descriptions of gym teachers greedily* swallowing white flowing rivers of treasure. It’s the hysterical brief one line story summaries. Taken out of context, these transcend mere tantalizing bits of plot, and become a twisted poetry unto themselves. Here’s some of my favorites (links obviously not safe for work):

Somebody’s gonna get shot!
I like to imagine an escalating series of kinky weapon-related foreplay. Starting with brass-knuckle spanking until rifles are going off like a cop’s funeral.

Virgin Maria watches Adam and Eve fuck during study break.
Don’t get me wrong, biblical fan-fiction can be great, but I hate this alternate universe nonsense. Respect the characters, man.

But my personal favorite is 8-part epic “A Tale of Immorality“. The pretense of “Crime & Punishment”, without all that brilliant writing to muck it up. Each chapter’s byline stirs the soul as well as the pole:

Chapter 1: A pinch of infidelity.

Chapter 2: A note of deceit.

Chapter 3: A whiff of debauchery.

Chapter 4: A glimpse of adultery.

Chapter 5: A touch of excess.

Chapter 6: A taste of doom.

Chapter 7: A stroke of consequence.

Chapter 8: A foretaste of damnation.

This is heavy heavy material, my fellow perverts. You better prepare yourselves to wipe the tears from your eyes as well as the spunk from your belly. Oddly enough, I had a girlfriend complain about the taste of my doom. I ended up going on a low-sodium diet.

*The greatest thing about the world of online erotic fiction is the way all women ADORE the taste of semen, that sweet ambrosia, nectar of the gods. When sperm is devoured, 3 out of 5 times the adverb “greedily” is thrown in there. Like the woman should have shared it. Or saved some for later, perhaps. For once I’d like to read “Julia Stiles politely asked if I wanted to a bit of my spooge. After I declined, she licked the back of her hand clean, but wiped the rest off, so as not to spoil her dinner.”