time you see Paul W.S. Anderson walking down the street, buy him a soda and then rape him with a scythe.

The Long Good Friday is quite a stellar little crime flick from back in the day, the reason Bob Hoskins (OK, I’ll admit Mona Lisa‘s pretty sweet as well) is a mini-legend, and to date the only Pierce Brosnan role where he plays a hot tub lovin’ poof. These are among the lesser reasons the film is great, but the bottom line is that the bloody tale of Harold Shand and his East End skirmishes is to the UK as Mean Streets is to the USA. It needs to be remade even less than The Warriors or Head of the Family, yet here comes ol’ Widescreen Anderson with his magic remake wand shoving it in our face.

Paul W.S. Anderson is remaking The Long Good Friday.

From the BBC’s website by way of AICN about the remake:

"Production company Handmade Films said the story would be "refreshed" with a modern setting."

Well of course it will! Let me go on record here. The ONLY way that this remake will be anything less than a blight on all oxygen breathing beings is if Widescreen sets it in the distant future where the SHAND 8000 faces a series of bombings from outraged parental groups who are offended by cyborg gangsters. Throw in a little tin sculpture and it can be a sister film to Soldier, which was an uncle to Blade Runner. An uncle with a diseased rapecock, but an uncle regardless.

It’s not even like the film is enough of a brand name to justify a remake. You could totally make a ripoff called Tough Stuff: London Calling with every plot point and story beat and only a handful of educated people [read: people who avoid Paul W.S. Anderson films] would know. He’d get off scot-free.

Nope, he hates us so much that he’ll keep the name and bastardize the rest. Hey, maybe this is his coming out party as an artist. Maybe all the horrible stuff leading to this was him cutting his teeth.

It wasn’t. He’s a shitpile.