I don’t know what’s more repugnant: the idea of Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz conspiring to foist upon moviegoers a romantic comedy titled What Stays in Vegas, or the fact that my toilet just backed up with what looks like a week’s worth of fury from the bowels of Charles Bukowski circa 1971. All things considered and mopped, at least the latter has the sloughed stuff of poetry to it.
The former, I can already assure without reading page one of the script by Dana Fox (who last delighted us with The Wedding Date), isn’t fit to plunge. Unsurprisingly, it’s set up at 20th Century Fox and will be produced by Dean Georgaris and Michael Auilar, both of whom are developing the remake of George A. Romero’s contagion classic The Crazies with screenwriter Scott Kosar. But let’s take this one depressing thought at a time. A movie capitalizing on the most annoying ad campaign since The California Raisins (which at least had the decency to stop at a video game no one bought)? Next you’re going to tell me ABC just picked up a sitcom based on those Geico cavemen spots even though the pilot was savaged by everyone who suffered through it.
What Stays in Vegas will star the hit-desperate Kutcher and Diaz as a pair of mongoloids who get drunk, get married, and then hit a slot machine jackpot. When both Kutcher and Diaz believe they are the rightful owners of said jackpot, the washed-up thesps endeavor to undermine each other in the kookiest satire of American greed since Million Dollar Mystery. Along the way, they fall in love, learn valuable life lessons and vandalize a synagogue.
Deals haven’t closed yet for the actors, so there’s still a chance that this project will go the way of Gale Force. Let’s hope someone discovers the repeatedly raped remains of Red Buttons in Kutcher’s basement between now and Memorial Day.